At some point in life, you’ll have to come to grips that you aren’t in college anymore. It’s a depressing feeling, but the quicker you come to terms with it, the quicker you’ll enjoy life. It’s kind of like a break-up. The unfortunate reality of the situation is that you can’t go get blackout on a nightly basis anymore. Now you have bills to worry about, a full-time job, and a pile of dishes that aren’t going to clean themselves.
However, there are a few times where you can get piss-drunk, and no one will judge you for it.
This one is a no-brainer. The whole day is a celebration (or a funeral for a friend depending on how you look at it). If you’re throwing back Jack and Cokes at a rate faster than Dustin Johnson relapsed after 18 Sunday, then you’re doing it right. The whole goal of a wedding is to utilize the open bar to your advantage. Free alcohol only comes along so many times.
You’ve got to be careful with this one though. You have to put on a facade that you aren’t so drunk that the elders are whispering among themselves. You’ll need to work up to that college drunk stage where you hit it post-reception when you’re at the bars with the bridesmaids.
Death In Family
This one hits home to me since this was me over the weekend and spawned this column. I have a bottle of Everclear that has been sitting on my counter since I graduated. Back in the day, it would be normal to mix Gatorade and the ‘clear to pregame the night’s debauchery. Nowadays, it’s frowned upon to drink the ‘clear. I’m not saying I’m mad about it, but I’m not happy about it either. So I went to town on that bottle.
Learning about the loss of a family member is tough on anyone, so it’s entirely understandable that you’re about to drink enough alcohol to fill the Grand Canyon. It’s a coping mechanism, and you will not be judged by anyone when you’re stumbling around. All someone has to say is “they just lost a family member,” and they’ll understand. Dogs count as family.
This is you or your buddy’s last hurrah as a single man. It’s a no holds barred shit show where there are no rules, just copious amounts of alcohol. Who knows the next time that your group of friends will get together again for a time like this. Bill is getting married and will become a homebody doing chores and fixing fences. Cling to these last moments. There should be no point during the weekend that you are completely sober.
My dad always said, “son, there are thirsty kids in Africa who would love to drink that beer.” That was after he was about ten beers and three margaritas deep at his annual 4th of July pool party. I took those words to heart. We live in the best damn country in the world, so it’s necessary to party. Line up the jello shots, drink a whole gallon of margaritas, and have a shotgun race with the old man. The founding fathers would be proud.
When Your Team Wins A Championship
The feeling of watching your team win a championship is unmatched. You’re on top of the sports world, and no one can take that away from you. Pretend like you’re in the locker room popping champagne with the team captain. Go crazy, folks. For some, these memories are few and far between. Therefore, they get a huge pass when their squad takes home the trophy. Give ‘em a week to party their faces off, they deserve it.
Gotta go out with a bang..