Sometimes, our favorite TV shows have characters that we just can’t stand. We don’t hate them because they play villains (like we hate Joffrey), but because they contribute basically nothing to the plot and if they were removed, the show would be basically unaffected. Hell, it would probably even be better.
1. Marie Schrader – Breaking Bad
Skyler White, for all her flaws, really took an undeserved beating. I really wanted to ignore the preface I just made you read and put her on this list, motivated solely by how much she sucked. But plot-wise, I guess I can’t. She was, after all, a pretty ride-or-die kind of gal. She made a surprisingly significant contribution for someone I kept praying would slip and get dragged through the car wash by her hair. Have an A-1 day, you she-devil.
Luckily, her sister Marie Schrader did nothing besides bitch, wear purple, intrude and be married to a pretty awesome guy named Hank Schrader. She never had a child of her own (probably as a favor to the world), so most of her face time was spent telling her terrible sister how to raise her own children. Looking back on her lack of contributions, I’m almost sure the show would’ve had equal success if Hank was a bachelor. I bet if he was busy hunting at the bar, the show may have been even more awesome than it already was. Point is, Marie is the worst. Skyler and Marie’s parents should be studied in a lab to figure out how they had the worst kid in the world twice.
2. Dana Brody – Homeland
She is just awful, but at least she’s consistent. Throughout the Abu Nazir hunt in Season 2, to whatever the hell is going on now in Season 3, Dana Brody is the go-to monkey wrench in the plot. Just when the show is humming along, Dana slams a torpedo right into the hull of the story structure. Oh we’re about to finally see one of the world’s most assholish terrorists? Sweet, but first let’s check in on this brutal teenage angst storyline we’ve crafted out of thin air for no reason.
We haven’t seen much of Brody in Season 3 yet, but that’s cool because Dana’s sob story is equally important. Attempted suicide you say? Riveting. Falling in love with that weird kid from Dexter who allegedly killed his brother? Classic Dana. I would rather watch Carrie cry for 15 minutes every episode than watch the writers force more Dana on the world. Just because the whole world thinks your dad is the worst domestic terrorist in history doesn’t give you the right to shit on my Sunday night, Dana.
3. Mags Bennett – Justified, Season Two
This is a tough call, because she had so much potential. Crazy, matriarchal, hillbilly crime boss? Sounds like a winner. Plus, she made apple pie-flavored moonshine. America. There was just too much of her talking and it really slowed things down. Also, given the Mongoloid nature of her three sons, it’s safe to assume her choice in men could have been better and that his education peaked in the single digit grade numbers.
The main reason she sucked is by default, because Season One was just awesome. It’s hard to follow something that great even if you’re pretty damn good yourself, just ask Bane and his little S&M costume. But to top a classic shoot-em-up debut season, FX probably should’ve cast someone other than the cable TV version of Jabba the Hut.
4. Debra Morgan – Dexter
If you can be a negative influence on a serial killer who constantly talks to his dead, adoptive father, you suck. Apart from saying “fuck” every third word and wanting to bang her adopted brother, Deb literally did nothing of value. The show took a nosedive when it started trying to incorporate her more into the storyline. It was like Deb would screw things up miserably, and it would take Dexter a few episodes to fix, then repeat that for 3 seasons. Deb accomplished very little in the department of plot relevance, and what little she did accomplish was pointless, stupid and/or inconsequential.
You can’t help but feel bad for Dexter. Not because he has an uncontrollable urge to murder people, but that he had to deal with this bitch for eight seasons.
5. Lori Grimes – The Walking Dead
Maybe the worst character ever, Lori’s biggest relevant contributions to the show were banging her husband’s best friend and then getting pregnant and having a baby, all of which could’ve stemmed from the same 5-7 minutes of post-apocalyptic intercourse. Outside of those 5-7 minutes, Lori was pawning off her son on someone elderly or bitching at Rick for…I don’t even know, or crashing her car on a deserted road while swerving to avoid hitting a zombie that wants to eat her.
6. Turtle – Entourage
I just realized everyone else on this list was a woman, so here’s my attempt at not being deliberately sexist.
Everyone gives Turtle shit because he’s worthless, and of course he is. So let’s all act like we wouldn’t exploit being best friends with a movie star who’s willing to pay for everything. But the point of this list is to label worthless characters, and Turtle could’ve pretty much been replaced by a chauffeur, or a parakeet, or the car from Knight Rider that drove itself.
Eventually Turtle gets his shit together with the help of the Cubes, so it only took him eight seasons of doing nothing (yet somehow losing a ton of weight) to start actually doing something. Naturally, the show ends before any proof of his turnaround can be seen, so Turtle may very well waste his 30s smoking weed and buying Jordans, too. But hey, 30 is the new 20. YOLO, or something.
Feel free to suggest people I missed in the comments.