5 Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying To Me Before The Wedding

5 Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying To Me Before The Wedding

As my wedding approaches, reality sets in, and people start rolling into town, the old classic questions are making the rounds. In previous years, I’ve been the generic cousin or college friend asking these tongue-in-cheek, but now I’m on the receiving end of it. Classic karma. I’d politely request that you not ask me any of these when you see me this week, but we all know that’s not going to happen.

You nervous?

*Fake laugh*

Not really? There’s unfortunately no good response for this. If I say yes, then you’ll wonder if I’m having second thoughts, or if I’m just a big pussy scared of commitment. If I say no, you’ll accuse me of being full of shit, or you’ll think I’m a psychopath incapable of feeling human emotion. I’ve heard it all: “You’re not nervous? What’s wrong with you?” and the always classic “It’s okay to be nervous. I was.”

I’ve gone through this entire process thinking I’m 4th quarter Robert Horry, but to be honest, every time you ask me about it I become less Horry and more dude just hovering around the 3-point line in his men’s league waiting to back-rim one from downtown.

There’s still time to back out!


We’re having fun, aren’t we? I understand that you’re joking, but isn’t this just a little insulting? Are you insinuating that I should back out? What do you know that I don’t? Hey, you don’t know me, man. Back off.

It’s funny, because there actually isn’t time to back out. You know how many people would be totally bummed if I did that? The bride, probably, our guests, families, etc. If I back out now, then the next few months will basically be one massive press conference where I get grilled for the details.

Do you want kids soon?

You sick SOB.

There it is. There’s the one that makes me squirm. I take issue with this on so many levels. There are two people qualified to speak about this matter, and random distant relative is neither. Nothing creates tension between a bride and groom like not being on the same page about procreation. Okay, there are probably some things that create more tension, but asking about kids just makes it weird. 9 out of 10 times the bride is going to be all “We’ll see!” and the groom will have a failed-smile like “We just want to enjoy being married for a bit.” The whole thing is cringe worthy. Please don’t.

Did you look into a prenup?

You got jokes.

Although I know that you’re joking, I actually appreciate this question more than others. We both know that the answer is no, but it’s somewhat flattering to think that you actually believe I have enough assets and wealth to warrant the protections provided by a prenuptial agreement. I mean, Texas is a community property state, but… Wait, are you mocking me? What are you trying to say exactly? Defensive? I’m not defensive, you’re defensive. Sorry, I’ve been a little on edge lately.

Are you buying a house?

Damn you. Damn you, sir. I have enough to worry about this week, and now I have to explain this to you? Sorry, I snapped at you, I know you’re just a well-meaning high school friend that I haven’t seen in years but somehow still got the invite…

This is another flattering, yet unnerving question that is a colossal beating to respond to. I’d love drop a simple yes/no answer, but in the words of every twenty-something still dating their college hookup, it’s complicated. You see, I live in Austin, and the housing market here isn’t exactly a buyer’s market. I mean, take a look at almost any indicator and you’ll see that it’s one of, if not the most, overvalued housing markets in the country. Are we in a housing bubble? Who knows. Depending on what data you’re looking at… Do you hate yourself for asking me yet? I’ll stop. Henceforth, I’ll just let those curious enough to ask that we’re riding out our apartment lease, and then we’ll see what happens.

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Lawyer. Writer. Dude doing business. I'm the meatloaf guy from tv.

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