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For the most part, I think I understand what guys are all about. If girls are made up of sugar, spice, and everything nice (and by that I mean makeup, lies, and eye rolls), guys are comprised of carbs, dick jokes, and hurting themselves for fun. Very rarely do I find myself curled up on my couch whining about how I don’t know why a guy isn’t texting me back or reading into his distaste for Amy Schumer or New Girl as some sort of end of the world.
I know that they are probably not going to want to go to the Spoken Word Night with me and that they really don’t give a shit about Farmer’s Markets. I know that if he isn’t talking to you he isn’t interested (unless he’s putting you in purgatory because he’s an ass) and that the fastest way to a hungover man’s heart is to show up later that afternoon with an HBO Go password, Chipotle, and whatever hair of the dog he likes. For the most part, guys are simple.
Women are not. I’m fully, 100 percent aware and acknowledge that women are the more complicated of the two. Got it.
But there are some behaviors that pretty much every guy does that just, frankly, baffle me. I can ask “why?” a million times but each time they do certain things I’m just sitting there with a blank look on my face thinking, “There’s absolutely no way we’re the same species.”
I’d ask men to explain themselves but I’m pretty sure that’s just going to make me more frustrated and end up with us yelling at each other about nothing.
1. Why They’re Always Messing With Their Balls
It’s like you just insist on making everyone around you aware of their existence. We know, we see you grabbing them and throwing your middle finger in the air because you crushed that round of bocce ball. Just literally nobody but you cares. Wait, were you just worried that they went somewhere? Did you need a little reassurance that your boys were still where you found them when you scratched at ’em fifteen minutes ago? Oh wait, still don’t care.
2. How He Claims To Be Thinking About Nothing
It’s. Mentally. Impossible.
The only time I am potentially thinking about nothing is right before I fall asleep, and even then, I’m still listening and acknowledging that I have 30 Rock playing in the background to drown out the noise of the bar that’s below my apartment. How can you possibly be sitting at a party, beer in hand, zoning out and not contemplating something? Anything! Even just why you decided to go with your khaki party shorts instead of your blue ones; give me something. The fastest way to annoy a girl is when she asks what’s on your mind to say, “Nothing” and then stick to your guns.
3. Why They All Turn Into Little Bitches When They’re Sick
I fought through walking pneumonia the second semester of my junior year and not only took a full, 21-credit course load but also did an entire dance show fighting down my illness with an inhaler, DayQuil, and willpower. Girls could be on their third round of mono and be like: “Meh. No biggie. Where are we brunching tomorrow?” Guys feel so much as a sniffle and they are couch-ridden, whining about how much mortality sucks for the next 72 hours. It’s truly a miracle that men do not have to carry children because we would have been obsolete the second Adam felt morning sickness.
4. How They Are Never Cold
I’m not going to ask for your jacket because that is more committal than holding your hand in public. But if you ask if I’m cold when it is clearly a balmy 62 degrees in this Macaroni Grill, I’m just going to stare you down until you realize that I’m two seconds away from putting my arms inside my shirt like a suspect being interrogated and making you real embarrassed to be associated with me.
5. Why They Continue To Bang A Girl They Acknowledge Is Nuts
I get it: she’s hot. But there are so many hot girls out there. Walk into any bar on a Friday night and you will see girls decked out in all of their Sephora and Zara best just methodically playing with their hair and giving each other the side eye. Hot girls are a dime a dozen.
If she is getting blackout drunk in your apartment before 11 p.m., constantly getting into fights with her friends and asking why you don’t stand up for her, talking in the third person unaware that it’s creepy, and stealing your prescriptions for “funzies” (or all of the above): it’s not fucking worth it. I don’t care that she looks like a fitspo model, get out while you still have some semblance of your dignity and she hasn’t punched a hole into your wall or made a scene in the cleaning supplies aisle at Target. .
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