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For the most part, I think I understand what guys are all about. If girls are made up of sugar, spice, and everything nice (and by that I mean makeup, lies, and eye rolls), guys are comprised of carbs, dick jokes, and hurting themselves for fun. Very rarely do I find myself curled up on my couch whining about how I don’t know why a guy isn’t texting me back or reading into his distaste for Amy Schumer or New Girl as some sort of end of the world.
I know that they are probably not going to want to go to the Spoken Word Night with me and that they really don’t give a shit about Farmer’s Markets. I know that if he isn’t talking to you he isn’t interested (unless he’s putting you in purgatory because he’s an ass) and that the fastest way to a hungover man’s heart is to show up later that afternoon with an HBO Go password, Chipotle, and whatever hair of the dog he likes. For the most part, guys are simple.
Women are not. I’m fully, 100 percent aware and acknowledge that women are the more complicated of the two. Got it.
But there are some behaviors that pretty much every guy does that just, frankly, baffle me. I can ask “why?” a million times but each time they do certain things I’m just sitting there with a blank look on my face thinking, “There’s absolutely no way we’re the same species.”
I’d ask men to explain themselves but I’m pretty sure that’s just going to make me more frustrated and end up with us yelling at each other about nothing.
1. Why They’re Always Messing With Their Balls
It’s like you just insist on making everyone around you aware of their existence. We know, we see you grabbing them and throwing your middle finger in the air because you crushed that round of bocce ball. Just literally nobody but you cares. Wait, were you just worried that they went somewhere? Did you need a little reassurance that your boys were still where you found them when you scratched at ’em fifteen minutes ago? Oh wait, still don’t care.
2. How He Claims To Be Thinking About Nothing
It’s. Mentally. Impossible.
The only time I am potentially thinking about nothing is right before I fall asleep, and even then, I’m still listening and acknowledging that I have 30 Rock playing in the background to drown out the noise of the bar that’s below my apartment. How can you possibly be sitting at a party, beer in hand, zoning out and not contemplating something? Anything! Even just why you decided to go with your khaki party shorts instead of your blue ones; give me something. The fastest way to annoy a girl is when she asks what’s on your mind to say, “Nothing” and then stick to your guns.
3. Why They All Turn Into Little Bitches When They’re Sick
I fought through walking pneumonia the second semester of my junior year and not only took a full, 21-credit course load but also did an entire dance show fighting down my illness with an inhaler, DayQuil, and willpower. Girls could be on their third round of mono and be like: “Meh. No biggie. Where are we brunching tomorrow?” Guys feel so much as a sniffle and they are couch-ridden, whining about how much mortality sucks for the next 72 hours. It’s truly a miracle that men do not have to carry children because we would have been obsolete the second Adam felt morning sickness.
4. How They Are Never Cold
I’m not going to ask for your jacket because that is more committal than holding your hand in public. But if you ask if I’m cold when it is clearly a balmy 62 degrees in this Macaroni Grill, I’m just going to stare you down until you realize that I’m two seconds away from putting my arms inside my shirt like a suspect being interrogated and making you real embarrassed to be associated with me.
5. Why They Continue To Bang A Girl They Acknowledge Is Nuts
I get it: she’s hot. But there are so many hot girls out there. Walk into any bar on a Friday night and you will see girls decked out in all of their Sephora and Zara best just methodically playing with their hair and giving each other the side eye. Hot girls are a dime a dozen.
If she is getting blackout drunk in your apartment before 11 p.m., constantly getting into fights with her friends and asking why you don’t stand up for her, talking in the third person unaware that it’s creepy, and stealing your prescriptions for “funzies” (or all of the above): it’s not fucking worth it. I don’t care that she looks like a fitspo model, get out while you still have some semblance of your dignity and she hasn’t punched a hole into your wall or made a scene in the cleaning supplies aisle at Target. .
Image via Shutterstock
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Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
@kendrasyrdal
@kendrasyrdal
ksyrdal
1. Why do you play with your tits all the time? Because it’s awesome.
2. Why can’t you decide where to eat? “I don’t care” isn’t a restaurant.
3. I’m not sure who you’ve been with but my girlfriend acts like she walked the Trail of Tears every time she is sick.
4. Google “Bergmann’s rule”
5. Because you don’t have to put any effort in. Who’s to say the other hot girls aren’t also crazy. Bird in hand, Kendra.
I can totally see what Shibby was talking about with you.
I know exactly how cold Kendra can be, and it’s chillier than 62 degrees 🙁
Homie didn’t you break up either her? This doesn’t make sense wrt 5, I’m confused
There were some irreconcilable differences. Especially since I found an empty six pack in the trash after I was gone on a business trip 🙁 https://pgparchive.wpengine.com/the-truth-about-a-womans-pre-hookup-routine/
Ooh, outed by IPA
Girl Behaviors I don’t Understand.
1. Dating losers
“Because I know I can change him” – said every girl ever.
But to be fair I will continue to bang a girl once I find out she’s crazy.
Counterpoint to your question on #2, why the FUCK do women always have to know what’s on our minds?
1. I like to acknowledge that they are always with me.
2. I’m sorry you will never find the internal bliss of thinking about absolutely nothing.
3. My mom spoiled me
4. I do get cold.
5. Crazy girls=great sex.
1. It feels good.
2. We don’t want to have a conversation at that moment.
3. We like being taken care of.
4. That’s just how it is.
5. Guaranteed sex.
1. They just aren’t designed well. They get in the way, sometimes they ride funny in underwear, sometimes they got a be adjusted. Imagine small boobs between your legs that are more sensitive, but the closest thing they have to a bra is a somewhat tight shirt.
2. I’m just thinking about something stupid or inappropriate, and don’t want you to judge me. Like imagine the most inane, worthless thought you’ve ever had and add in lady butts. That’s 65% of my thoughts in a day.
3. Either push it down and pretend I’m not sick or play it up and try to get someone to hug me and care for me.
4. It can’t be as bad as the coldest I’ve ever been. Plus my body temp is like 99 goddamn degrees. Mind over matter.
5. This is actually really interesting to me. Besides the “durr, doesn’t matter had sex” thing I think guys just have this weird mindset of seeing sex as hard to get and women as generally uninterested. Which is dumb because girls like sex too. Combine that with an inability to read subtlety and signals girls send and you get a vicious cycle of not getting laid send
Fucking phone.
*not getting laid and thinking you won’t. A lot of guys just can’t wrap their heads around the fact that you can stop smanging with someone without worrying about getting into the worst dry spell ever (word to California). I don’t believe that tho, I stopped sleeping with a girl who wanted to bone almost too much because things were weird and I haven’t gotten any action since, I regret everything
1- either they need adjusting and It feels good.
2- I don’t feel like talking to you, not interested overall in you or the setting isn’t right to talk about what I’m thinking about. But many times I’m just thinking about something trivial not worth sharing.
3- how many times have you just gotten sick because it’s a Tuesday? Girls are sick 10 times as much as men not including that
time of the month.
4- way she goes. Just lucky I guess
5-it’s easy and typically the ones calling out other girls for being crazy are on same level as crazy. What girl isn’t.
4-
Here’s an idea: you should know that you’re going to get cold in a restaurant because you always get cold in restaurants. Bring a fucking jacket.
what about, why does a guy go through the trouble of writing a song out of apologetic desperation for a girl he cheated on, only to dump her out of guilt? because guys are logical, but never come to the right conclusion. for the record, Amy Schumer is one of the funniest women on the planet.
So you criticize guys for banging crazy girls, meanwhile a massive fraction of girls date complete douchebags and losers hoping to change them, and friendzone good guys. Yeah, we’re the dumb ones alright. Also, we’re not actually totally hopeless when we’re sick, we’re just trying to bait you into doing everything for us for a change.