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The Walking Dead premieres tonight and the only way I could be more excited were if Andrew Lincoln (Rick) were to walk through my front door right now, kiss me on the mouth, request that I have his babies, and then tell me that he, too, always thought Lori was a stupid idiot. Hey, a girl can dream, can’t she?
Anyway, in light of the best television show in the history or histories making its return (pipe down, Breaking Bad fans. Your turn is over), I decided to do a little tribute. A little tribute to the people who need to die already. Call me sick, call me twisted, I don’t care. These people need to go.
*Disclaimer, I have not read the comic books by choice. If you have, please don’t ruin it for everyone by posting a spoiler in the comment section.
1. Carl
I don’t tolerate criers and I don’t tolerate people who can shoot their mom in the head and then walk away as if nothing happened. Is he bipolar? Is he schizophrenic? Is he just an emotionally disturbed 12-year-old thanks to his coming of age during a zombie apocalypse? Regardless, Carl is a ticking time bomb and he provides nothing but creepy eyes and bad omens to the group. His bitch fits and melodrama need to go back to the playground. Oh, all of the playgrounds are infested with rotting corpses and flesh eaters? Cry me a river, Carl. Go shoot your mom again.
2. Beth
I can’t figure out how old she is. She’s like a Skipper doll – not quite old enough to be Barbie, but not quite young enough to be Kelly. She’s the equivalent to the awkwardly sized toy that no little girl knew what to do with. Seriously, one time my mom got me a Skipper doll for my 6th birthday and I ripped her hair off and cried. Nobody likes Skipper. And nobody likes Beth. She’s mousy, she’s meek, and she provides nothing but teenage angst. Season three alluded to her having feelings for Rick and while I guess SVU doesn’t exist in a post apocalyptic world, I’d hate to see Rick ostracized for macking on a slutty seventeen year old. Plus, she won’t stop singing. Beth, what about your friends’ limbs being torn off by dead people makes you want to sing Emmylou Harris? Seriously, go away.
3. The Governor
His voice is smooth as butter and makes me want to dress up as Scarlett O’Hara and whisper Jefferson Davis quotes to him until he requests my hand in marriage and provides me with a life of Pinterest crafting random shit made out of Mason Jars. But his demeanor…well, I’m pretty sure that a pre-mortem Jim Jones would’ve enjoyed his company. The Governor is an all-American, sweet talking, good looking psychopath. And as anyone who has heard of Ted Bundy can tell you, that’s a bad combination. Need I remind you that he kept his dead daughter locked away in his apartment? Plus, he tortured Glenn. Who the hell doesn’t like Glenn? This guy needs to go.
4. Hershel
He’s a great guy, he really is. But he’s missing a leg and at this point he’s really just slowing down the group. I understand that he’s a recovering alcoholic who had a tough life, raised two daughters, is a God fearing man, blah, blah, blah. The fact of the matter is, times are tough when you’re fighting for your life and simply, put, Hershel can’t put up much of a fight. I don’t particularly want to see him die; I just know that he needs to. He’ll be like a sacrificial lamb that the history books will regale. Just kidding. No one will remember him. People don’t tend to write things down when they’re living in a prison, fighting off both mentally unstable humans as well as flesh eating dead people. Goodbye, Hershel. You’ll soon be forgotten.
5. Michonne
Her only real tie to the group was Andrea. And well…Andrea died. Thanks a lot, Phillip! Anyway, I know that Michonne somewhat proved herself to the others and she’s finally kind of acting like a team player, but she still has the attitude of a thirteen year old girl who listens to too much Panic! at the Disco, or whatever it is that thirteen year olds listen to these days. She’s self-involved and too independent for her own good. She’s hot tempered and impulsive to a fault. Need I remind you that she made human pets out of her ex-boyfriend and former best friend. Sort of makes you question the kind of person she is, huh? Plus, her body makes me feel bad about my own. Bye, Michonne. Don’t let the door hit your toned ass on your way out.
Disagree with my picks? Let’s hear it.
Respond
Catie Warren
Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co
@catie__warren
@catie__warren
As long as Andrea stays dead I’m fine with whatever happens.
I would so hit that.
Honestly, Carl’s transformation from little bitch to badass was too quick for me but I’d prefer he stick around because I think it’s a welcome change. I’d rather have Carl be an emo zombie slayer than the little cry baby/worthless place filler like he was in the first two seasons. I can’t be the only one who screamed at their TV something along the lines of “Goddamn it, Carl, stay in the fucking house!” on a regular basis during seasons 1 and 2.
I agree with everything up until #5 Michonne. In my opinion Carl should go at #5 also. That’s how much I hate him.
As far as I’m concerned, Carl should be all 5 of these characters. Little asshat.
2-5 are just there for show.
Carl has to live if anything he’ll be the new leader of the group when Rick eventually dies (With main character dying in TV all the time now *GOT* I have a strong feeling Rick will be a death saved for near the end, with Carl taking the mantle as the new leader).
If anything, I’m surprised Carol didn’t make the list. Carol is very worthless and adds nothing to the show, other than being annoying and having people on a wild goose chase for her daughter for four episodes.
Carl is far too young to be the leader and too much of a pain in the ass.
He might be too young now, but I could see him being groomed to be the next leader. The young will eventually have to replace the old.
Also, Hershel kind of fulfills the whole wise old man, mentor archetype, so I wouldn’t say he’s completely in the way. Though, we do know how mentors usually end up :http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fk3_-JSTdx0
didn’t have to click on this to know what it was, but i had to made sure .
as much as i like Carol i was surprised she didn’t make the list also since everyone seems to have strong feelings about her dying. She’s definitely come into her own though, especially taking over the kids’ education and teaching them how to defend themselves.
umm hell no to michonne dying! she’s the best. What i’m about to say might make me sound like a borderline sociopath but i think we all know judith needs to go. babies and zombie apocalypses don’t mix.
I agree except for Michonne. She actually talks now, and is a zombie slaying monster. Except for the part where we will find out why she wants to kill the governor so bad. That is ulterior motive, I can feel it.
This…this is not a bad column. I’m speechless.
For once? Ha.
I know. Shocking.
Asian guy needs to go. he wants to be out of Rick and Hershel’s shadows, but he is somewhat of a bitch
When did Beth show feelings for Rick?