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I don’t know how it came about, but just after A$AP Rocky got off the stage and they began setting up for Drake, the group of people I was standing in the crowd with got in a conversation with a bunch of undergrads behind us.
“Okay, how old do you think I am?” I asked one of them not thinking he was about to devastate me emotionally.
He looked me up and down assessing the situation. “I’m not sure, like, 35?”
Sadly, I was shocked, but not that shocked at his answer. After all, I was wearing a Pebble Beach technical golf shirt and a pair of royal blue Patagonia 5″ inseam Baggies at an A$AP Rocky concert. I’m not ignorant enough to act like I didn’t look like someone’s dad. But with all the emotions that came on after his seven-years-too-old guess of my age, it reiterated that I’m not the young buck I used to be (and I have to act like it). So it just seemed like time to add five more words to the list of words I’m way too old to say.
Definition: The state of being so intoxicated (regardless of the intoxicating agent) that all the person can do is smile, so that they look lit up like a light; when something is turned up or popping.
How I Used It: “I’m going to get so lit at ACL this weekend.”
The issue at hand here isn’t how I used it, or my intended use. It’s simply the fact that I’m too old to do anything that could be considered as “lit.” I mean, I was the guy at ACL who had a plastic cup of ice and a squirt bottle of $31 chardonnay that I was trying to pass off to other people around me before it either got too warm or I got too drunk. I wasn’t going to get lit under any circumstances.
Definition: A word used to describe your peoples, ones that you can trust dearly, someone you consider family.
How I Used It: “The streets is talkin’, fam.”
Okay, Will, take a step back, man. First of all, what do you know about the streets? The streets you grew up on were called Bluff Drive, Woods Drive, and Windigo. If by “streets” you mean “suburban dads,” then yeah, they’re talkin’ about Jordan Spieth, Cole Haans, and economic forcasting.
Secondly, “fam” is just unneeded. It’s forced. There’s nothing wrong with “you guys” or “y’all” or simply using zero clarifier at all.
Definition: Abbreviation for “as fuck,” typically used as an adjective.
How I Used It: “Ugh, I’m tired AF this morning.”
Then drink some coffee, rub some dirt on it, and stop using abbreviations in an effort to sound youthful again. What’s next, Will? Are you going to start saying “SMH” or “LOL” rather than actually shaking your head or laughing out loud? Come on, man. You’re in an office building, not at a pickup game at Rucker Park.
Definition: To go crazy, to do something extreme.
How I Used It: “I was wildin’ so hard last night before we got that Uber home.”
No. No, you weren’t. You were drinking Mezcal margaritas listening to a band that looked like Mumford & Sons but probably had regular jobs as mixologists on the hip part of town. At one point you pitched that everyone play “Think Before You Drink” before getting shot down because, “Who plays drinking games anymore?” Unless you were drinking Hennessy out of a bottle onstage like Justin Bieber did last week, you weren’t doing anything remotely close to “wildin'” last night.
Definition: An expression frequently used by stoners and hippies for something of high quality.
How I Used It: “Ugh, that restaurant is sooo dank.”
Dude, you ordered a grilled kale salad with a goat cheese schmear and then followed it up with a bánh mì sandwich that had pâté on it. Sure, the meal fit the definition of “dank,” but they probably would have kicked me directly out of the restaurant if I gave my compliments to the chef for his “dank” courses.
Whatever, I’ll just keep listening to my Spotify playlist “#turnt” that includes Sean Kingston, The Weeknd, The Chainsmokers, a Kanye West song from 2009, and obviously “What Do You Mean” by Justin Bieber. At least they understand me. .
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