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In the modern relationship, there are a million and one “firsts” you have to conquer before you’re officially living an old married couple lifestyle. You have your first dinner with the parents, your first night where you don’t bang like rabbits, and the first time someone decides to leave the bathroom door open when they pee.
As an old-fashioned gal, I have very strong feelings about bathroom etiquette in a relationship. Basically, I don’t want to talk about what happens in there, thank you very much. I want my business to be a mystery. Still, I realize that at some point, you have to accept the fact that you can’t hide your shit forever. Well, I mean, you can’t hide the fact that you shit forever. So, if you’re ready to take your relationship to the next level, here are a few flirty ways to let him know that you do, in fact, you know.
1. Strip Everything Away
Stop doing your usual bathroom routine. You know, the one where you wake up before he does and “take a shower.” The one where you dump a bottle of perfume in the toilet and keep the water running as you get the job done. The one you’ve been training for for years so you can get in and out in unquestionable “I think she just peed” time. Stop it. Just stop. Stop pretending that you didn’t just birth a monster in there and stop wasting your $100 per bottle perfume. He’ll get the hint, and lack of Chanel scent, very quickly.
2. Have A Romantic Dinner
An easy and pity-deserving route to go with, the classic “I ate something bad” route will break down any barrier (and sound barrier) between you two and the fact that you do unladylike things on the porcelain throne. Any mystery will be shattered when you spend an evening in there, moaning with brief intermissions of coming out and saying, “This is so embarrassing, I’m so sorry.” He’ll know you shit, he’ll know you’re human, and he won’t even be able to think you’re gross because it’ll be coming out of you like lava. Plus. he’s a dick if he leaves you for that. Just have a romantic date night at Taco Bell and get ready for ruthless teasing for weeks to come.
3. Talk Dirty To Him
Just like when you first opened up about your family troubles or horrible relationships in your past, talking about this is hard. You have to trust that the other person isn’t going to bolt immediately. It’s the same thing when you start approaching the topic that, despite what they teach in boy school, your anatomy means that you do, in fact, poop. Mention that your stomach hurts every now and again. Tell him he shouldn’t go in the bathroom for a bit so it can air out. Build up to the occasion “I’m so constipated” confession. Before long he’ll know you shit without even knowing he knows. You know?
4. Do Something Dirty
It’s the scene straight out of a horror movie. You’re in the bathroom doing your usual shower, perfume, “pretend you got distracted and brushed your hair” routine. You do your business but instead of your secrets just being flushed away, they don’t go down. In fact, the truth starts spilling over.You might not have a say if this is how he learns you do, in fact, shit just like he does. But if it happens, suck up your pride, ask for the plunger, and accept the fact that sometimes the truth is messy.
5. Send Him A Snapchat
In your dating game so far, sending him a Snapchat is usually like a little gift. All of them either included your face after hours of work, your tits after hours of adjusting and readjusting, or your hot friends who he sometimes fantasizes about. So, when you send him this ill-fated one, he won’t expect to see the inside of your toilet bowl. It might seem crazy, but hear me out. Guys do this all. the. time. I don’t know why, and I’m saying this based off of the 2.5 guys I’m friends with, but still. They send Snapchats of shit to each other. If you do it, he’ll think you’re funny, cool, and best of all, one of the boys. So long being left at home during guys nights. Hello, an understanding relationship and a whole new world of Snapchat possibilities.
Or, just spend the rest of your days clenching and using public bathrooms any chance you get. Maybe love means never having to say, “I’m sorry I destroyed your guest bathroom.” .