Thanksgiving has come and gone, and that means one glorious thing to every warm-blooded American: Home Alone season. It’s arguably the best 3 weeks of the year, and every damn TV station in the country obviously agrees because that’s pretty much all they play until December 26th. Thanks to ABC, AMC, TBS, TNT, USA and the Playboy Channel, you might as well just tell all your responsibilities to kiss your ass until 2014. But as great as Home Alone is (and believe me, it’s great), watching it religiously for over 20 years has raised some troubling concerns about the feel-good holiday movie of the century.
1. The McCallisters are the worst family ever.
Sure the McCallisters left their kid in the attic and went to Paris on Christmas, but shit happens. What shouldn’t happen is the more sinister events leading up to this hall-of-fame parenting blunder. I’m talking, of course, about the elegant dinner scene involving the disgusting combination of pizza and milk. Seriously, is that a Chicago thing? Sick.
At this twisted version of a family dinner, an entire family of 14 viciously gangs up on an 8-year-boy literally over spilled milk, which was only partially his fault. Buzz doesn’t get enough blame for the spilled milk here. Besides not only starting it by being a dick to a small child, he lets himself get Goldberg’d by said small child into a table. Buzz notwithstanding, if my family chose to systematically break down my psyche every time I spilled something, I’d be a ward of the state sitting in a white room trying to gnaw my own face off. But the punishment for spilling in this family is apparently just that, plus banishing a growing boy to the attic without dinner with the overwhelming odds of getting pissed on by his cousin while he tries to sleep. Take him a sandwich or something, damn.
2. Kevin shows all the signs of becoming a sociopath.
When his family turns on him, Kevin’s true sociopathic colors begin to show. Kevin uses manipulation in the form of a supposedly sweet young child obviously faking an apology to get what he wants avoid getting sent to the attic. Then when it doesn’t work, instead of contemplating actually apologizing because he’s sorry, he wishes for his entire family to disappear forever. What a devious little bastard.
When his family does leave him, he begins having full conversations with himself in the mirror like a total schizoid. Kevin also begins to turn to a life of petty crime by stealing a non-ADA approved toothbrush and running from a hilariously inept police officer. After another lengthy conversation with himself on the way home, the writing is on the wall for Kevin to become a full-fledged sociopath. At least he has an ample supply of mannequins in his house (why?) to dress up as his friends and talk to like he’s Will Smith in I Am Legend.
3. Kevin creates a pretty sadistic torture dungeon with simple household items.
Using everything from Hot Wheels to a blow torch, Kevin is able to create a murder house so sadistic, even that crazy dude from the Saw movies could learn a thing or two. With Angels with Filthy Souls as his inspiration, Kevin rigs every entrance to the home with gruesome devices that will cause serious, permanent injury to the hapless “Wet Bandits.” Harry will take that scorched scalp and giant “M” on his palm to his grave, and poor Marv is lucky to be able to walk after a nail and hundreds of glass shards tear up his feet. Roger Goodell cringes at the paint can scene every time, and is still working on a way to punish Kevin for a hit to the head of defenseless non-violent criminals. Goodell did succeed in suspending Kevin for two sequels, which is why Home Alone 3 and 4 were so terrible.
4. Chicago PD’s complete lack of concern for an 8-year-old left home alone.
As soon as the McCallisters land in Paris, they attempt to have Chicago PD to go check on their son because, you know, he’s 8.The first policewoman proceeds to transfer Mrs. McAllister to Carl from Billy Madison, who is eating a doughnut and not even trying to give one fake shit. The call is then given back to the lady who finally decides to pick up a goddamn radio and send an officer to the house. Problem solved, right? Movie over? Wrong. The officer they send is by far the most worthless, incompetent pile of nuts to ever receive a government paycheck, and that’s impressive.
After trying the front door, the officer keenly deduces that “the house seems secure,” you know, based on one out of three doors being checked. Damn fine police work there, asshole. He does, however, end his call with one piece of golden advice to parents concerned for their child’s safety: to “tell them to count their kids again.” What an assbag. Granted, leaving their kid 4,000 miles away doesn’t give them a great rep, but I’m pretty sure they can handle doing a headcount for a second time. Not only does he not give a damn if their son is alive, but the officer has the balls to question the McCallisters’ remedial math skills as well? Total douche.
5. Harry and Marv’s list of what they plan to do to Kevin.
Even though the Wet Bandits have been victimized by this little spawn of Satan all night, their plans on what to do to Kevin when they catch him are seriously messed up. I know what was done to you was monstrous, and years of therapy are in order, but you’re really gonna smash his face with an iron? Burn his head with a blowtorch? Hit him with a shovel? He’s still eight, you sick bastards. But the most despicable part of is this diabolical plan is Harry almost going full cannibal on Kevin when he vows to bite off all his fingers one at a time. Look, everything else actually happened to you and that’s fair, but I’m pretty sure Kevin, for all his deplorably inhuman behavior this evening, never attempted to feed on you. He actually had some mac n’ cheese ready to go, but you dicks showed up before he could eat it.
And then there’s this scene…