5. “Last Christmas” by Wham!

I don’t dislike this song, per sé, but being single around the holidays and hearing this song will send me three miles up solo-rage creek and leave me sobbing into my wine glass the whole way back down, while ugly cry-singing this song.

4. “Christmas Don’t Be Late” by Alvin and the Chipmunks

Unless this song is playing because I have just put on the movie masterpiece that is Almost Famous, or one of my friends has gotten hammered, sucked down some helium and is attempting their best rendition, I don’t want to hear this song. The Chipmunks are cute little creatures and all, but I’m not even sure small children are capable of listening to this without adverse long-term hearing effects.

3. “All I Want For Christmas Is You” by Mariah Carey

Good ol’ Mariah has a way of getting stuck in my head like no other. If it’s the Dreamlover album we’re talking about, I’m fine with it. I can get all ’90s diva and shit. However, this song sends me wandering down a trail of ghosts of lovers past, and somehow hypnotizes me into thinking that just maybe I wouldn’t mind one showing up on my doorstep adorned with a big ass bow. This is just all sorts of wrong when I’m less vulnerable in a non-holiday state.

2. A tie between “O’ Christmas Tree” and “Deck the Halls”

Does anyone really know the words besides the titles and “falalalala”? Also, you’re singing, very formally I might add, to a tree? Then the awkward line “Don we now our gay apparel” in the other one? Say whaaat?

1. “I’ll Be Home For Christmas” as absolutely butchered by Rascal Flatts

I just don’t really even have words for this. I’m so upset with anyone associated with this atrocity that I’m just going to throw all of CMT Country Christmas in this slot. Sorry “country” music fans. None of that is real country, or any good.

WARNING: I do not endorse the viewing of this video as it may cause severe ocular bleeding.

Honorable Mentions:

Any other well-known artist that attempts to release a Christmas album –please, just don’t, and save yourself the time. It won’t be as good as your normal stuff (depending on who you are, it could just be equally as shitty, if not worse), it won’t enhance your music career, and it will be in the $1 bin at Walmart before New Year’s Day. If you want a truly egregious example by someone unfortunately well-known, see below. Once again, I don’t recommend it.

“The Christmas Song (Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire)” – You combine “chest” and “nuts” into one word and expect me to take it seriously? Not to mention you add in the suggestion that these important parts are being torched by flames, and I’m just not on board. Also, the second line reminds me of people picking their nose.

“All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth” – Losing teeth and toothless children gross/weird me out. If you want a remix, check out Mickey Avalon’s version, although you’ll need to pray afterwards.