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As you reflect on your daily and weekend activities, you might have started doing a handful of things that you didn’t even realize at one point were regarded as “for hipsters,” either by yourself or the general public. So congratulations you damn conformist, you’ve successfully pissed off hipsters everywhere by bringing the following things (they were totally doing before you) into the mainstream:
1. Drinking Craft Beer
I’m opening up this column with what I deem as the most obvious example. I remember back in college my buddies and I would mercilessly ridicule one of our friends for drinking his favorite “hipster swill” Dogfish Head 90 Minute IPA. “They sell it in four-packs!” we’d exclaim in disapproval as one of us would finish a piss-warm Natty Ice, toss it through our third story window and into the dumpster. We thought he was trying to be better than us, but it turns out he was on to something. Four of those things will get you adequately buzzed, and they taste great. Plus, drinking beer from a local brewery can add a sense of pride, therefore making drinking even more fun. Not that I’m now opposed to binging on alcoholic beer-flavored water, but try having a few people to hang out at your place and handing someone a Keystone now that you’re what society deems an adult. It’s just not the same.
2. Wearing Skinny Ties
If you have to wear a suit to work every day, you’ve experienced this. If you don’t wear a suit to work, then you may have noticed it on those who do. There’s not much to say here other than “they’re so hot right now.” They make your shoulders appear broader, your face thinner and yet your body more streamlined. They’re ain’t nothin’ wrong with that. There was a time where bigger, bolder, wider ties were what accompanied the necks of people who lived by the “power moves ONLY” mantra, but this is no longer one of those times. Modern formal looks are evolving into sleeker, slimmer, and less loud mediums of looking sophisticated. A hipster’s nightmare: bankers adopting one of their looks. If you want to casually give skinny ties a try, think Adam Scott’s character from Parks and Rec.
3. Buying Groceries at Whole Foods
Or any other organic grocer, for that matter. Hell, you’ve probably been to multiple local farmers’ markets by this point. Now, most of this is due to the fact that we now know a lot more about the dangers and downfalls about processed foods. With an endless flow of information thanks to the interwebs, people now more than ever are trying to eat healthier, which in most cases means going organic. There have been measured declines in obesity amongst children, and while shopping at Whole Foods may cost you your whole paycheck, investing in your health should always be a priority. I now picture hipsters everywhere gorging themselves on Big Mac’s on the daily, becoming bearded, self-loathing, skinny jean-wearing versions of Cousin Terio. We can only hope.
4. Going to a Coffee Shop
Maybe you can’t be productive at your own place. Maybe if you stay late at the office staring at the same cubicle walls one more night you’ll curl into the fetal position under your desk praying for the sweet release of death…or at least a cocktail. Maybe you don’t own a library card. I’m kidding; you definitely don’t own a library card. All I’m saying is that sometimes you need a change of scenery and a break from the monotony of the weekday routine in order to stay fresh and get work done. Perhaps you actually made your very own adult friend! Adults go grab coffee; that’s what you do now during a Tuesday lunch break. You opt for the responsible caffeine rush and abstain from the rush of shotgunning a beer in the bathroom before an afternoon meeting. Does anyone remember the vintage YouTube greatness of The Kid From Brooklyn? I sure do, and we’re all letting him down (NSFW).
Respond
On Fire New Hire
A 22 year old who has been freshly scraped from the fraternity basement floor and plopped into the world of finance to survive on his own. The fact that friends and relatives are visibly shocked every time they learn he's not dead should tell you all you need to know. His favorite hobbies include delusions of self-grandeur, improvising tasks that shouldn't be improvised and disguising being kind of a prick as a form of honesty.
I think people buy groceries at Whole Foods just so they can tell their friends they shop there, or broadcast it on Twitter. #healthy #yummy #organic #WholeFoods #gettingfit #nobodycares
Fucken humble brag hashtags…… the worst.
That is exactly why people shop at Whole Foods.
Author, you are a closet hipster; your witchcraft will not work on me.
Silly hipsters trying to infiltrate the normals.
Hipsters shop at Trader Joes and skinny ties are painful.
Good beer is good and coffee shops have coffee.
Whole Foods is too expensive, so is craft beer, I’ve never worn a skinny tie and I don’t have time to dawdle at coffee shops. I think your title is a little presumptuous.
Eh I’ve got the money for some occasional craft beers, but the other three are spot on. A good beer every now and again isn’t going to kill the budget.
Let me re-phrase that then; I’m not a big beer drinker. I’d rather save my money and buy a bottle of scotch.
I just buy a shit ton of Keystone still. That watery taste will never get old.
Whole Foods? More like Whole Paycheck
I don’t do any of those things. Skinny ties are great for people named Justin Timberlake, though.
I drink craft beer when I’m not blacking out. Other than that, same.
I like a guy in a nice tie, but JT and Adam Scott are about the only two who can pull off the skinny ties, I think.
Boulevard Wheat is about as craft beer as I get.
WholeFoods = WholePaycheck. Stay away.
#2 is how I know you’re a hipster. Tieless is more professional than a skinny tie. Face it, you wear fake glasses, own too many clothes that look like they’re made of burlap and your ideal mode of transportation is a dirigible.
How about instead of going to a coffee shop you do something worthwhile. My advice to you, do what your parents did, get a job sir.