4 Essential Items The Average Male Needs To Survive Adulthood

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Trying to be an adult in today’s fucked up economy is hard. Everyone older than you says it gets better, but there are days that are seemingly endless in how long and terrible they are. Here are four essential items that will help get you, an average Joe, through the endless grind of mediocrity that you consider your life.

1. Spotify Premium
The old hackneyed cliché is that life is like a movie with the dull bits removed. And what do all movies have? A soundtrack (cue inward groan from the peanut gallery). For $9.99 a month, you can create your own kickass, rockin’ soundtrack. Spotify can make you a sweet playlist for any occasion, ranging from the Memorial Day weekend float trip where your drunk buddy got stabbed by a transvestite hooker for calling him/her “dude” to power hours before hitting up the bars with your boys for a pussy safari to doing some yard work, cleaning your apartment, or ignoring that your parents are bitching at you to do chores since you still live at home. The options are limitless with Spotify. Music is one of life’s greatest joys, so why not enjoy it all the time?

2. Dollar Shave Club Membership
I’m a semi-hairy dude and I have a mean neck beard game when I decide to not shave for a couple days. I can grow a pretty fierce, patchy attempt at a beard, too. Any place of employment that’s worth a damn has a rule about facial hair, so I have to shave a lot and thus, I go through a lot of razors in the process. Shit gets expensive. The wonderful, wonderful people at Dollar Shave Club, for about $5 or $6 a month, will hook you up a box of razor heads and a handle with no shipping or handling fees. Unless you’re a professional Civil War reenactor or one of the guys from “Duck Dynasty,” an offer like this is too good to pass up. Look good, feel good.

3. A Nice Bottle Of Alcohol
You’re not in undergrad anymore. It’s depressing and it sucks–we get it. Shut the fuck up about it. Indulging every now and then on the hair of the dog never hurt anyone, but you’re not as good as you once were. Since you’re an “adult” now, maybe you should step it up from the bottom barrel gut rot you used to love so much when you were getting blackout three or four nights on any given week in an attempt to slay some strange in undergrad–or was that just me? Yes, it’s entirely possible to buy a nice bottle of spirits or wine without breaking the bank. The best part is that it won’t make you feel like shit the next morning, and you won’t wake up to Whataburger wrappers and some rando snoring next to you in the morning, because it’s supposed to be enjoyed a little a time, you fucking heathen. This is the shit your dad drank after a long day at the office and then had to come home to deal with your bitch ass and attempt to not be disappointed in you. It puts hair on your chest, and for the love of God, don’t use mixers with it. Either drink it on the rocks or not at all. You might as well learn to take the edge off after a long day at work like the big boys do sooner than later.

4. Gym Membership/Workout Routine
Hear me out on this one. Sitting down for eight or so hours a day paired with a shitty diet of apathy and fast food lunches will make you fat as fuck. Maybe the office fitness guru that you think is a total goober smoocher a majority of the time is on to something when he or she opens his or her facehole to talk about his or her workout regimen. You want to get rid of those bitch tits and that gut from one too many beers at happy hour? You’ll have to move and sweat if you want to make that a possibility. A workout can make a bad day at the office look not so bad in hindsight, and it clears your mind of what tomorrow might throw at you. Women in all that neon clothing and yoga pants are good incentives to drag your fat ass to the gym if you need an ulterior motive to go there.

The real world can be a drag sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be miserable. Only you can allow yourself to be miserable–no one else can. Yes, there are days that you ponder which is smaller, your paycheck or your pecker, but you can’t let that get you down. These four things have helped me out in my first year in the real world, but then again, I’m just some anonymous asshole on the Internet. What do I know?

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Mr. Lahey

Supervisor of Sunnyvale Trailer Park. I am the liquor. In real life, I'm the dead eyed 20 something who desperately wants to spit in your food and tell you to go fuck yourself.