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- You have a “#fitspo” Instagram.
- You own a Hawaiian shirt that cost more than $30 dollars.
- You always find yourself wearing sunglasses regardless of the occasion, season, weather, or time of night.
- You know who Timmy Dumples is.
- Scottsdale sounds like your wet dream.
- You have called your ex-girlfriend and left her blackout “I’m sorry” voicemails.
- In desperate times you have used cocaine as a study aid in the business school library.
- You are an “Archer” enthusiast.
- You frequently host “late night” at your apartment.
- You own a suit that cost you more than half your last paycheck.
- Your BMW is a lease.
- You never go to the gym.
- You bum cigarettes all the time.
- More than two of your ex girlfriends have not only unfriended, but blocked you on all forms of social media.
- You’ve worn a bow tie to a football tailgate, but you didn’t go to an SEC school.
- You’re addicted to Tinder.
- You call it “Tindering.”
- Your drink of choice is a whiskey water with lime.
- You pronounce finance “fi-NANCE.”
- You asked for a Rolex for Christmas.
- You frequently draw attention to your Rolex.
- You work for a hedge fund.
- You say “Roll Tide” despite never attending the University of Alabama.
- In the summer your shorts have an inseam shorter than 7’.
- You love dubstep.
- You tell others to add you on LinkedIn rather than Facebook.
- You’ve insulted someone wearing Hollister at a bar.
- You’ve gone home with someone else’s date after a charity event.
- You own boat shoes, but you do not own a boat.
- You idolize Jordan Belfort and completely missed the message of “The Wolf of Wall Street.”
- You own a Gucci wallet.
- You’ve worn a linen suit to a formal event.
- You frequently brag about your law school aspirations.
- You have not yet begun studying for the LSAT.
- You do not know what “LSAT” stands for.
- You still discuss fraternity “tiers” despite graduating over a year ago.
- You hit your bong while wearing a Brooks Brothers button-down.
- You’ve purchased a lighter at 7/11 using a credit card.
Respond
Lyla Garrity
After dumping her high school beau, Tim Riggins, Lyla transferred from Vanderbilt to the most expensive university in Texas and recently graduated only to conclude she is too pretty to spend the next four years slaving away in medical school. With a now worthless Biology degree she’ll be attending business school starting this fall. Her pastimes include cheerleading, brunching, and frequenting pretentious Dallas bars on the weekends.
I make fun of anybody over the age of 23 wearing Hollister, and not just at the bar.
You’re doing God’s work.
Hate to burst your bubble, but…
8. Archer is a hilarious show
10. Cheap suits are disgusting
11. Leasing is a great way to drive a new car every couple years instead of losing so much resale value buying a new one and driving it off the lot
13. Smoking cigs in general is awful whether you buy them or not
19. The correct pronunciation IS fin-nance, or fi-NANCE as you call it.
24. Long shorts are for chodes
26. LinkedIn is a legitimate networking tool and serious professionals use it
29. Boat shoes are ridiculously comfortable and look good
Agreed. If you don’t think I can’t see right through the fact that you’re interviewing in an H&M suit, you’re delusional. Finance is a world full of douchebags, and if you can’t hang, that’s a personal problem.
I was like shit Im half of that list…..
Agreed with Mr. Sterling…. and eat shit my 335I is leased and i love it. If i dont drive more then 10k miles a year why the hell would i buy it…. unless im a dumbass.
And i trade stocks…. its called Fi- NANCE.
If it’s not an M it’s not worth driving.
I can tell you dont drive one then…
Ha, had an E90 M3 that I tracked for a few years. You obviously haven’t driven one, the base series are shit in comparison, no way around it.
Mr. Sterling, I’d like to point out that in this case “douchebag” is not necessarily meant to have a negative connotation…food for thought…and Roll Tide
“Douchebag” has another meaning that isn’t negative? Please share.
Hah, in that case…
Hey whoa, whoa. You leave Archer out of this now… ya hear?!
I disagreed so much with this column it made me wish I was doing my work instead.
How does not going to the gym make someone a douche bag?
I couldn’t disagree more with #10. Everyone needs at least one nice (preferably custom tailored) go-to suit. It should definitely cost more than half of a pay check.
39. Sleeping with your boyfriend’s best friend while said boyfriend is paralyzed in a hospital.
Fuck you Lyla Garrity. Fuck you.
Personally I consider myself to be more of a skank than a douchebag #33 and Texas Forever
I agree with 98% of this. Boat shoes are extremely comfortable during the summer.
And suits are expensive. A man should have at least one expensive suit.
“24.In the summer your shorts have an inseam shorter than 7’.”
Those darn kids and their inseams shorter than 7 feet. Must be douchebags.
I don’t understand. Was this supposed to be two separate lists that you accidentally combined?