======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
My coworker, Dave, is in Dad Golf territory, and I am too. I bought a Titleist hybrid about three years ago and find myself hitting it off the tee on nearly every par-5 because, “I’m not going to be able to reach the green in two anyway.” I recently found myself switching from my overly-athletic Adidas golf shoes into my Nike cross-trainers at the turn because I was having some slight pain in my lower back and I (for whatever reason) thought it would help.
The sad truth is that the fountain of youth does eventually run out, and you find yourself embracing attributes of the Dad Golfer.
1. You actually carry a ball-marker instead of a bottle cap or coin.
2. “Drive for show, putt for dough.”
3. You own a ball retriever.
4. You keep your shirt tucked in for the duration of the round out of respect for the game.
5. Throwing a two-fingered wave from the steering wheel at every person you drive by.
6. You properly tip the beer cart girl because she’s too young for you.
7. You wear a bucket hat for the function, not the fashion.
8. “Here, need some sunscreen?”
9. You own Eccos.
10. The worst four-letter word you say is “rats” after a missed 4-footer for bogey.
11. You wear a sweater vest. And actually think it looks great.
12. You relentlessly quote Caddyshack.
13. You refer to anyone younger than Tiger as a “young gun.”
14. “You wanna know what you’re doing wrong?”
15. White. Ankle. Socks.
16. You spend your lunch break checking out push carts.
17. Hanging out in the nineteenth hole after the round and discussing all the great shots you had.
18. You never have any idea where your ball went.
19. You have a 7-wood and can do a complete cost/benefit analysis on it.
20. Referring to a recently-purchased beer as your “Swing Juice.”
21. Telling a terrible joke to the cart girl, who’s a clean decade younger than you, and not giving a fuck whether she gets it or not.
22. You play from the white tees despite the rest of your four-some playing from the tips.
23. You putt from 15 yards off the green, because it “makes more sense.”
24. “Nice lag!”
25. You find people playing music through their iPhones on the course as “a nuisance.”
26. “Is there anything earlier?” is your standard response to the tee-time your buddy made.
27. Making small talk with the marshal while you wait for the group in front of you to clear the green.
28. Bump & Run.
29. You regard Rickie Fowler as being “too flashy.”
30. You make everyone putt everything.
31. “Hey, did you make sure to repair that ball mark?” .
Image via Tania Thomson / Shutterstock.com
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
“I remember when this used to be a par 5.”
A well struck 7 wood is a beautiful thing.
-Pulling the fuck out of your putt, “What? It broke left!”
-“Wow, great lag!” in full sincerity after you leave an 18 footer a foot short.
-“Let the club do the work”
-“How bout that Jordan Speith kid?”
-Blading one out of the sand without making contact with a single grain of sand. “They need to put more sand in here.”
Me: What’s your handicap?
Dad Golfer: My swing. hahahahahaha
Me: -_-
-“That’s a good miss.”
-“Ah, Dammit (own name). You gotta hit the ball, (wife’s name)”
-Mentioning “The 19th hole” 3-4 times throughout the round as if will forever be a clever way of referring to the clubhouse bar.
“I tell ya what, a bad day at the course sure beats a good day at work.(chuckles)”
-Spending a good 5 minutes at the cleat cleaner before entering the clubhouse after the round.
-“This a par 5?” on a 400yd par 4.
You trying to steal my thunder, man?
Sorry for stealing your honors. I’m just playing “ready” golf.
What happened to douchebag Pete?
Making a “wish list” on Golfsmith.com.
8 and 11. I have a nice green and white sweater vest and matching argyle socks to make the whole thing go together. #noshame
After first drive, “Probably the best drive I’ll hit all day.”
Hybrid 3 and 4 irons with graphite shafts over here. I love them.
We said dad golf, not grandpa golf.