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While it may not be “getting airlifted out of a National Forest by the LA Sheriff’s department” bad, I think it’s fairly safe to say that we’ve all had some genuinely awful first dates. Ask 99.9% of people about their worst first date story, and they’ll get the “Oh, you wait” look on their face and come out the gate swinging with a cringe-worthy story. Whether it be to too little chemistry or too much alcohol, sometimes things just don’t align and you end up sitting across from someone you never want to see again while you desperately search for an exit route.
You can justify it however you need. It’s not anyone’s fault (theirs), just bad timing (because they were thirty minutes late), or simply not a good match (because he gave you the up-down and said, “Nice…” while licking his lips), but for whatever reason, you will be deleting their number and talking to a bottle of pinot noir about this when you finally get home. Dating sucks; bad dates make it worse.
But before you get home to whine to your best friend about how awful it was, you have to get through the date. Good luck.
“Did I really shave my legs for this?”
“I’m wearing a good bra that stabs me in the side by makes my boobs look like they defy gravity. COME ON.”
“I could be on my couch right now. God I wish I was on my couch right now.”
“What should I watch on Netflix when I bail…”
“Jesus…how can one person be so boring while simultaneously being such a car crash I cannot look away from?”
“More alcohol. I need more alcohol. Just bring me all of the alcohol.”
“Wait, if I keep drinking he’s going to keep drinking and then he’ll want to stay…”
“Cancel it. Cancel everything. Just get me out of here.”
“This is why I should have the “fake emergency friend” to call me with a traumatic excuse to leave. I should never be optimistic. GODDAMMIT.”
“Oh greeeeaaaat, you want to tell me about how much you related to The Pickup Artist?”
“I was wrong. Bring back the booze.”
“God, I love wine. Wine is always there for me. Wine doesn’t pick their nose at the bar or interrupt every sentence I start.”
“You don’t like music?! Everyone likes music. Are you a sociopath?”
“This is probably how I get famous. Murdered by the crazy guy who got drunk off of two Bud Light Lime’s at a Buffalo Wild Wings. Awesome.”
“I wonder if his parents know how terrible he is…”
“I wonder if his friends know how terrible he is…”
“Wait, maybe I’m the terrible one and just need to give him a second chance! Okay, attitude adjustment, work your magic!”
“Oh great, he’s trying to bring up why catcalling is actually a compliment. NOPE. Attitude is back.”
“What would happen if I went to the bathroom and never came back?”
“I should do it.”
“Wait…dammit he picked me up at my apartment. He seems like the type who would Lloyd Dobler me but with like, Nickelback or some shit.”
“I should still do it.”
“Okay, finish your drink (why waste it?) and then get yourself out of here, sister! We have Wet Hot American Summer to binge and a fleece blanket to wrap ourselves in!”
“He wants to get dinner?! He thinks this is going well?! I have said nothing in the past twenty-seven minutes while he told me the most boring story about how Brandon at the office didn’t know how to do equations in Excel but he thinks I want to keep listening while we eat flatbread and salad and he probably talks with his mouth full? What the fuck.”
“Alright, if you won’t pick up signals, I will pull out the big guns.”
“Yep, I’ve got an early morning. Yep, on a Friday. Yep, you know I’m bullshitting you.”
“Oh tooootaaallyy call me. Please, I will just be on pins and needles waiting for you to mispronounce my name and ask me out again.”
“I’m getting a cab. I’m not even waiting for Uber to get me out of this one.”
“How did my parents do it? Dating sucks.”
“I wonder who matched with me on Tinder today…” .
Image via Shutterstock
Respond
Kendra Syrdal
Once in college John Cusack asked Kendra to sing for him. She said no. Visit her website to ogle at her face and send hate mail // kendrasyrdal.com
@kendrasyrdal
@kendrasyrdal
ksyrdal
man, you are all over the place.
#FireKendra
JTas>Kendra, I thought the day would never come
You’re everything that’s wrong with girls on first dates, and your articles suck.
The only reason I read this shitty column is because deFries hasn’t posted a new one today, never making that mistake again.
If she continues to write shitty columns, it would be nice if they were at least proofread…
Brian always proofread his columns
We all know I love a good troll, but why can’t we all just get along, guys 🙁
Mama always said, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.”
My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush.
Bashing a woman that is much better writer than de fries while waiting for him to drop his next misogynist article…. Boy, what a life!
Next time you go on a date, do yourself a favor: don’t be yourself. See where that gets you.
I laughed. Not fair to the guy though, the crazy always comes out sooner or later.
Do you watch Netflix?
Your Dad must be so proud
Delete tinder, buy a puppy.
30 Thoughts You Have During A Terrible First Date with Kendra
1. Kill myself
Hopefully whoever you tindered got put on TFM’s Ridiculous Tinder Pick up Lines Part 22
Kendra sounds like a bitch.