30 Signs You Drink Too Much

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Alcohol. It’s the nectar of the gods. It relaxes us. It refreshes us. Sometimes it even undresses us. But there is a certain point where alcohol stops benefitting and starts hurting. It can affect your work, your well-being, your life, and your wallet. Have you ever spent $30 at Taco Bell when you were sober? Exactly. Here is a list of warning signs for which you should be on the lookout before you cross that line.

1. You go to bed with a 10 and wake up next to a one. A two is okay–it happens to the best of us. When she’s a one, it’s time to get help.
2. You throw up all over the front seat of your roommate’s Lexus while he is driving you home from the one’s house.
3. You have to throw out all your underwear after only a weekend-long bender.
4. You wake up in your car in a parking deck with a half-eaten pizza in your lap…twice.
5. You go on a bender in Vegas and sober up a week later to 100 missed calls and a court summons for polygamy charges.
6. You wake up spooning a farm animal.
7. You try to pee out the window and end up soaking important paperwork. And a laptop.
8. You’ve stopped going to church because of your hangovers.
9. You wake up after a night of tequila drinking with morning wood and, at the same time, you have to puke.
10. You try to send a picture of your boner to your ex-girlfriend and it ends up going to your boss.
11. You insert a syringe of vodka into an orange and bring it to the office with your lunch.
12. You’ve been caught with your pants down. Literally.
13. You wake up with grass stains all over your clothes.
14. You start regularly waking up with your shoes on and your pants off.
15. You start using bourbon as a condiment. Bourbon chicken is okay, but then it’s bourbon steak, bourbon potatoes, bourbon salad dressing, bourbon ice cream, and of course, bourbon bourbon.
16. You wake up one morning and realize you spent $1,500 on eBay buying things you don’t even want with money you don’t even have.
17. You sexted your ex-girlfriend’s best friend and sister in a group text.
18. You show up hungover to your godson’s baptism and puked in the holy water.
19. You’re no longer phased by waking up with your clothes torn to shreds and a gash across your chest.
20. Your bartender feels guilty about serving you “the usual.”
21. Sean Penn reaches out to you and recommends rehab.
22. People you haven’t had sex with know what your genitalia look like.
23. You know “Napoleon Dynamite” word for word.
24. You’re on a first name basis with patients AND nurses at the Betty Ford Clinic.
25. Your drinking friends and your real friends are not the same people.
26. Your friends told you to slow down and try weed instead.
27. Your liver feels like Floyd Mayweather used it as a heavy bag.
28. Your urine is so concentrated, you’ve melted a urinal cake with a single stream.
29. You’re banned from happy hour at multiple establishments.
30. Sterling Cooper & Partners would never hire you because you drink too much.

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