======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====
There are some things in life that I just straight up know nothing about. I’m not entirely sure how fax machines work, I don’t understand why my plate isn’t hot when it comes out of the microwave but my food is, and I have absolutely no clue how pregnancy works. Being in that age range where all of my friends are either getting engaged or having kids, I’m finding myself in some real uncomfortable situations where I’m about as ignorant as Kimmy Schmidt.
That being said, I’ve got some questions for pregnant women that need answering.
How does the baby breathe? I feel like it’s holding it’s breath like I do underwater in a pool.
Do you constantly feel like you have to go to the bathroom?
Do you actually crave weird food or are all women just pulling the wool over our eyes?
What does it feel like when the baby moves? Is it similar to how my stomach feels after I eat Chipotle?
What happens when the babies go to the bathroom when they’re in there?
Do you only post photos of your pregnant stomach to Instagram because you know it makes every guy wildly uncomfortable?
On a scale of 1 to Lindsay Lohan, how bad do you want a drink right now?
Can you please start every conversation with strangers with how far along you are so no one wonders if you’r pregnant or just fat?
Can I borrow your maternity pants for Thanksgiving this year?
But seriously, how far along are you? You look ready to blow.
Why are your legs all veiny? They won’t stay like that, right?
Honestly though, what happens when the babies go to the bathroom when they’re in there?
Real talk: you have to be pretty psyched on how big your boobs are right now, right?
Are you going to use drugs during labor? Because sometimes I consider trying to score some painkillers the morning after I eat at an all-you-can-eat buffet.
Why did you put on 30 pounds if the baby only weighs like 6 pounds? Yes, I regret asking that now that I hear it out loud.
What actually happens when your “water breaks?” Only tell me if it’s not gross. I’m imagining a Ziploc bag full of water exploding on the ground.
You ever just set shit on your stomach instead of using a table?
Are you sure you’re not having twins?
Like how heightened is your sense of smell? Is it a “I can tell you forgot deodorant today” thing or a “someone is BBQ’ing three blocks away” type of thing?
Are you ever scared the baby will fall out when you’re pooping? Is that even physically possible?
You’re obviously hoping for a girl, right? We all know you are.
So, uh, when does milk start coming out of those things?
You really eating for two or is that just an excuse to get two burgers at Shake Shack?
Why do you have an outtie now?
What’s worse — morning sickness or a tequila hangover?
Are your hands and feet swollen or are you just that fat right now?
Are those your hormones speaking or are you just using your pregnancy as an opportunity to say everything you’ve wanted to say for the past few years?
You do know that you look kind of like Violet Beauregarde right now, right?
Can we both acknowledge that I want to help you do things but I’m deathly afraid of tripping you so I’m just going to sit over here acting like you’re not pregnant?
How do you shave your legs and your, er — shit, nevermind, don’t answer that. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
@willdefries
@willdefries
defriewf
will@grandex.co
I’ve never understood why women want to advertise their swollen, vein-ridden bellies for the world to see.
“Ziploc bag full of water exploding on the ground” is a powerful and hilarious image.
*breathe. And Google “placenta”.
I’m good, actually.
Do it.
dear god… I clicked it.