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During the Grandex viewing of the first round of the PGA, a question was proposed that I found interesting. Would you rather own a Burger King or a WNBA team? As much as I love fast food and BK’s Zesty Sauce (it’s a revelation), I’m taking WNBA in a heartbeat, and I’m going balls to the wall. Move over Cuban and Ballmer, there’s a new eccentric owner in sports — and Daddy is coming with some changes.
Now before I get started, let me say this: I’m not sexist. I’m really rooting for the WNBA. I respect the hell out of these athletes. They’re doing something I could never do — and competing at the highest level. I want success for the league, and its got some legit stars. Brittney Griner can dominate, Maya Moore has a sweet stroke, and Elene Della Donne has a great game, sweet name, and is a total fox.
That being said, we’ve got a long way to go for this league to reach its full potential.
Right now, the league is like early career Matthew McConaughey. There’s been some success, sure. He is keeping on, keeping on, chunking out a decent product. But, for some reason, the league hasn’t taken its True Detective or Dallas Buyers Club step into greatness. It doesn’t draw well, there’s not a whole lot of publicity surrounding the league, and I honestly can’t name five current WNBA teams.
Don’t fret, because I’m here to take the league by storm. I’ve got a few quick fixes to get the momentum going and make everyone forget about the NBA, or at least get everyone to know when the WNBA season starts:
Embrace the Layup
A running WNBA joke is “Oh, another layup.”
Layups are discussed in a negative light when compared to a dunk; the Stephen Baldwin to dunking’s Alec. Listen girls, I get it. I’m a 5’ 9” white guy, and I can barely grab net. Dunking is pretty damn difficult, and the layup is under-appreciated and catches undeserved flack. We are going to flip this on its script; this team is going to get hype as shit when it comes to layups.
I’ll be dolling out fines for any player who doesn’t participate in a dunk style celebration, because we’re gonna rock the shit out of every layup like someone just threw down a Dr. J from the line. Announcers are going to go nuts, speakers will be blaring “Hard in the Paint,” and the team will go wild. Our arena will be rocking 30 times a game — minimum. Lest we forget, one of the greatest plays in the history of the game was a layup:
Promotion Madness
We are going to make Minor League Baseball look like a Great Depression-era traveling circus. Not a single night will pass where we aren’t making something happen at our arena. Dollar beer nights? Check. Bobblehead nights? Goddamn right. Drunkest fan as the PA guy for a night? I don’t see why not. These ladies are busting their buns up and down the court for 48 minutes (I think) every night, and they deserve a crowd that’s having a good time at the games. We need to put fans in the seats and leave no promotion untested.
The real game changer? Custom-theme jerseys every night, and since it’s the WNBA, naturally they’ll promote strong women. You’re telling me you wouldn’t come watch the San Antonio Silver Stars rocking their women’s suffrage jerseys? That shit is gold. How will we afford them you might ask? Auction them off unwashed every night. We’ll keep what we need to buy new jerseys and donate the rest to charity. If you’re wondering who’s going to buy unwashed WNBA game worn jerseys, watch the latest season of Orange Is The New Black. I think you’ll realize there’s definitely a market of creepy shitbags for that.
Give the TV Audience What They Want
If you think the NBA broadcasts are a little too tame, you’re not alone. Here in the WNBA, we will be breaking barriers. No more boring announcers that are restricted as to what they can say. I’ll be pursuing a deal with a PPV network, maybe HBO but most likely Cinemax, and unveiling our new unfiltered commentating crew: Andrew Dice Clay on play-by-play, Latrell Sprewell as the color man, and Gilbert Arenas standing under the hoop with a mic just staring aloofly at the camera. They have nothing better to do, and will be fully permitted to defend themselves against unruly fans.
Finally, we will give you the full mic’d up experience. Haven’t you always wanted to hear the shit LeBron and KD are saying to each other all game? Well, we can’t give you that, but we can give you every WNBA player providing you with an in-game “a woman scorned” experience. The more vicious the shit-talking, the more likely it’s going to make the broadcast. The best will make it on my postgame show: Hell of a Day in the WNBA.
With me running the show, the WNBA is going places. These changes are only the beginning. Within three years, you’re looking at an All-Star weekend featuring a layup contest and player-designed uniforms. I dare you to tell me you won’t watch..
Image via Doug James / Shutterstock.com
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Kyle Bandujo
The artist formerly known as Crash Davis. My kid doesn't think I'm funny.
@kylebandujo
@bandujokyle
kyle.bandit
Take a few of your most inspiring players to local grade schools where they do some cool shots and look really tall, then give all the kids free tickets. Make it easy for the dads to say “ok fine” with $2 draft night printed prominently on the ticket, like more prominently than the team name. The wives will come to prevent bad decisions. You’ve given away one ticket to sell two tickets, $30 of beer, and $40 in food. Business.
When your city’s WNBA team is better than the city’s NBA team, PGP
Those Lynx tho
Dynasty would be a safe term to use with them. We got the Big KAT now though…
If the Mystics did dollar beer night, I would lightly consider asking my buddies if they maybe wanted to possibly go.
Probably would still rather watch D3 college football or even the arena football league.
Buy a Burger King instead.
Fire the employees asking for $15/hr, automate the whole place, PGPM
Would you rather:
Lose the pinky finger of your non dominant hand?
OR
Attend all of your local WNBA teams home games for the rest of your life without your cellphone/any technology?
See ya pinky
Would you rather have your local WNBA team win the championship OR get $5?
I’d be more than thrilled with just a Coke.
Ron Artest would make a great sideline reporter too. Have him kill a fifth of Hennessy pregame and the interviews would be priceless.