29 Terrifying Things About Turning 29

29 Terrifying Things About Turning 29

It’s that time of year again—time for me to whine about how I am getting older than my extracurricular activities seem to portray. Last year, I wrote about how going into your late-20s, or as I prefer to call it, “late-ish 20s,” or as everyone else calls it, “28,” was a bit discouraging, mostly because it’s getting too close to (can’t even say it) for comfort. Well, this year I’m about to try out 29, which is basically (nope, still not going to say it). Society starts to look at you differently. It’s like I can’t be just a legal adult anymore; I have to apparently be an adult adult. I still drink out of sippy cups and wear hand towels for bibs, for cryin’ out Tide sticks. And you want me to, I don’t know, run an entire household, complete with a living plant or some shit? Nah. I’m good. 29 is scary, and below are my concerns.

1. Is blacking out still cool?

2. I’m noticing it’s getting hard to pass off “fresh out of college” for career, and life in general, incompetencies.

3. People in their 30s are supposed to have kids and shit. Like, what? The only baby I’m good at growing to fruition is the pizza/taco food baby I’ve got marinating here.

4. Speaking of, half of my birthday party invitee attendance is contingent upon obtainment of babysitters. Yikes.

5. Also speaking of, birthday parties are still a thing, right? If not, I need to call everyone back.

6. While we’re here, I still get birthday presents, Christmas presents, and an Easter basket, right?

7. Are daily showers expected? Please advise.

8. Seriously though, looking put-together all the time is so exhausting and time-consuming. You come dry my hair and see how you like it, okay?!

9. If chicken nuggets aren’t still an acceptable meal staple, you can just GTFO now, 29.

10. People thinking I should get out of bed before noon (2pm) on the weekends after I already did that 5/7 days this week. Give me a break.

11. Remembering how old I used to think people my age were. Ugh.

12. I successfully roasted a pork loin last week. That’s pretty cool.

13. Retirement savings, college fund savings, mortgage savings, Bora Bora savings, plastic surgery savings. Who am I kidding? I’m working for fucking ever with a wrinkly, old face.

14. Apparently 2am is the new 4am. News to me.

15. I do have a newfound appreciation for a bed made daily, though. Do I have a fever?

16. Has the doctor always checked there? Seems a bit invasive at any age.

17. But what if you’re still an exceptional beer-bonger? Huh? I’m just supposed to let those skills go to waste?

18. “I’m finding myself” is no longer a valid excuse. Apparently, people expect me to be “found” by now.

19. You mean drinking higher quality boxed wine, craft beer, and martinis doesn’t mean I’ve made it? That’s hardcore adulting, and I don’t care what you say.

20. But really, “inappropriately drunk in public” is so arbitrary.

21. Should I have full-time custody of my dogs? They seem really happy with the current arrangement though. Win-win, if you ask me.

22. I already had to pee 3 times while sleeping last night. Three! That better not increase.

23. I’ll take this opportunity to apologize to anyone upset by numbers 24 – 26, or maybe even this entire thing.

24. Being 30. (I’m sorry. Pretend I didn’t say it.)

25. Not being in my 20s in 365 more days.

26. “20-something” = cool. “30-something” = not a thing and just fucking old.

27. Sorry, I’m crying. Please move on.

28. Nothing to see here… Except my recovery from forcing myself to go on a three-day bender to prove to myself that I’m still able. Woof. Verdict hasn’t been handed down on this one yet.

29. Eh, whatever; lying and Botox groupons are always a thing.

If you need me on Saturday, I’ll be inconspicuously mingled amongst college students, because drunk me thinks she fits right in. Except I order premium these days, at least right after pay day, anyway.

Image via Shutterstock

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After stretching college out for 9 years, McMagistrate is now an attorney in her late-ish 20's who earned her title by embracing the stigma that accompanies a healthy partying habit. She enjoys showing off her sub-par golf game and pretending her impressive law school loan doesn't exist. You can likely find her on her patio, live-tweeting her wine binges, and concerning her neighbors.

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