Columns

28 Advantages Of Working In A Cubicle

CubeSpace

The very idea that human beings are to report to a miniature box for a minimum of 2,000 hours per year and idly punch away at a keyboard is depressing. When you actually become one of these people, your very box-like existence can take it’s toll on your mental wellbeing. Think about it: you were pushed into this world through a flesh box, you wake up every day in a box, which, in turn, is inside another box, then you get into a box with wheels and drive to a larger box where you sit all day in a miniature box, which houses an illuminated box that you passively stare at until you get to drive back home to your box every day. Eventually, you get laid to rest in the last box you’ll ever enter, which is then lowered into a box-shaped hole in the ground.

The cubicle life, which was once created as a means of giving people a sense of privacy and accomplishment for having one’s own space, has now become a cattle storage area where Big Brother watches over you while you try to convince yourself to buy into the illusion that your small, occupied space actually gives you the right to possess any authority or freedom whatsoever. The idea of office work holds no weight when you consider you aren’t making any physical product or exchanging any physical money. Instead, you are becoming a soft bodied, hard brained Simple Jack who has to celebrate vicarious wins through a voyeuristic window of banality.

Don’t worry, though. The office life isn’t so bad. There are tons of good qualities that many people often overlook. Here are some advantages of working in a cubicle every day.

  1. Hearing voices but not being able to see anyone all day actually gets you ready for the asylum later in life.
  2. If you happen to collapse from a heart attack due to invisible stress and your absolutely stagnant lifestyle, your coworkers can rip out a cubicle wall and use it as a stretcher to cart your sorry ass out of the building if they still care about you enough.
  3. Should you one day lose your mind and snap, the little cube you’ve sat in every day for years has prepared you for life in a prison cell.
  4. With the combination of intense fluorescent lighting therapy and the effervescent glow of your computer and phone screens, your eyesight will begin to diminish, making it easier for you to accept that your body is also deteriorating along with everyone else’s around you.
  5. With the extreme doses of monotony you experience every day, seeing news coverage when you get home has actually brought some form of entertainment value to your life.
  6. After listening to the droning, awful music that plays throughout the office all day, it makes you really appreciate good music.
  7. Sitting down all day is getting you ready for sitting in a wheelchair after you’ve lost the strength to walk when you get older. It is also the leading cause of premature death, so then there’s that…
  8. You actually don’t need to possess any real intelligence to do your job. Having an IQ hovering around room temperature will suffice.
  9. Can’t communicate well with others? No problem. As long as you can use your eyes to judge the weather, you’re set, since that’s usually the only thing that everyone talks about anyway.
  10. Do you like to drink? Good, because there will be plenty of that as soon as 5 p.m. rolls around because you and everyone else have problems to run away from. Plus if you get liver disease, your cube facilitators will help pay the hospital bill.
  11. If, for some reason, you believe in the devil, you’re in luck because you now work for him.
  12. You will, in fact, feel run down, but after you’ve completely lost your soul, the weight of the world will begin to feel a lot lighter.
  13. The heavy onset allergic reactions to boredom will actually give you the special ability to rediscover your inner child and seek creative outlets in your free time.
  14. You will find yourself slowly becoming a conspiracy theorist because the very idea that a societal revolution could happen would be a great excuse to not show up for work anymore.
  15. The comforting notion that everyone you know is in the same situation as you is what gets you through the day.
  16. After being sedentary all day, you will start to work out a lot more and eat healthier just to curb the paranoia of becoming like some of your other coworkers. Oh, and so you can find someone to fuck you someday.
  17. If you enjoy the defeated sound of sighs, you will be in aural bliss once you arrive to your desk.
  18. The constant yearning for stimulating excitement will cause you to experiment with psychedelic drugs, in which you will then discover that we are all one and that nothing we do at our daily job really matters. You will then feel immense freedom from the shackles of the oppressive corporate world.
  19. You’ll come to this brilliant pinnacle of thinking after realizing that there is no God, because if God loved everyone, he wouldn’t want us to live like this.
  20. You won’t have to worry about braving it through rough weather conditions, because you will be cozy in your sterile cube environment.
  21. You won’t have to waste your free time watching TV anymore because everyone around you at work is a walking synopsis.
  22. If you happen to get a paper cut from stacking files, you will be able to feel a sharp pain causing the numbness of life to temporarily subside.
  23. You will ruminate about building a utopian society in your head, all while trying to come up with elaborate schemes that give you this weird thing called “motivation” to get yourself out of the rat race.
  24. You’ll stare a $1 bill and be able to correlate the pyramid on it with the fact that society is a giant pyramid scheme.
  25. You’ll develop an immensely powerful intuition that will allow you to come to the realization that college was a complete waste of money. This will then guide your focus on spending your money on more important things, like your vices.
  26. You will develop a newfound respect for salad and going to the chiropractor.
  27. You will actually have enough money to enjoy things in your free time with your friends and family.
  28. The more money you make, the less you actually have to do.

So you see, it’s not all that bad. Once you get used to it, the pain begins to wear off. Keep fighting the proverbial “good fight” and just remember that retirement will come soon enough, because time flies when you’re manufacturing your own fun.

Email this to a friend

Nived_Neirbo

Optimistic pessimist, Profoundly unimportant

5 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More