Okay, time to get my shit together. But first, I’m going to post this back-to-school selfie on Instagram. #onemoreyear
Look at how happy I am, undergrads. I’m sophisticated, smart, and still know how to have fun. LOOK AT HOW HAPPY I AM!
Why didn’t I take a year off like every grad student I’ve ever known has told me to? “You’ll burn out,” they said. “Go travel,” they said. “Get a real life,” they said.
Is it too late to drop out? Can I get a refund on all of these student loans?
Does half a master’s degree count for anything in the job market?
Great, here’s another engagement announcement. Don’t you people realize that I’m even poorer than I was in undergrad? Hope you like homemade crafts involving mason jars and old wine bottles, because that’s what you’re getting as a wedding gift.
How do you people even have time to date? I’m lucky if I have time to cook something other than microwavable chicken strips for dinner.
Maybe I should have just gotten a MRS degree after all. Maybe dignity and independence are overrated.
Would the government track me down for student loan payments if I just move to Australia and never come back?
Maybe if I move to Australia my grandma will stop asking me why I’m still single.
Okay, focus. Where’s my planner?
God, why did I decide to stay in school? This is nothing like undergrad.
At least I can still get drunk on a Sunday night, right? I don’t actually have to be to class until 10:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.
Too bad I’m drinking in my apartment, alone.
Maybe it’s time to get a cat. Then I wouldn’t technically be drinking alone.
My landlord doesn’t allow pets. And I’m allergic to cats. Maybe I should get a fish, or hermit crabs. Maybe a hamster. Hamsters are cuddly. Am I allergic to hamsters?
Would my advisor approve a thesis project about hamsters? She’s shot down every other idea I’ve had. I needed a finalized topic three months ago.
I’m never going to graduate.
Oh! Someone commented on my photo!
Oh god. It’s my weird ex-aunt asking what I’m going to do after graduation…again. I don’t know! That’s still nine months away. Give me some time, people.
Why haven’t more people liked this photo? Why do you all like the engagement photos? Don’t you appreciate that I’m trying to expand my horizons and increase my knowledge? Knowledge is power, bitches.
Oh, oh wait. That hot guy from the rival research lab just commented. We’d be an awesome power couple with all of our degrees. Maybe we’ll cure cancer together, or become astronauts, or rule the world. Like Ron and Hermione, but with way more student debt.
Okay, one more glass of wine, then sleep. Tomorrow, I’m one step closer to the end of school, and to the real world. That’s slightly terrifying. Maybe I should look into PhD programs.