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1. Gift Cards.
Oh, sweet. Now I can take these gift cards and split them all on meals out and runs to Target with you. Sounds awesome.
2. High-End Grooming Bullshit.
I shave twice a week, don’t have a gym membership, and wash my body with $3 shampoo. If I don’t care about my body, why do you?
3. Tickets To A Sporting Event.
See, if I don’t take you, I’m in trouble. If I take you, you’re not going to have fun. Let’s cut the shit and not have the awkward conversation over who I’m going to bring.
4. A Book.
I’d rather be looking at photos of Instagram models and checking sports scores.
5. Booze.
Whether it’s $10 or $40 or $80, drunk is drunk. And whiskey stones are fucking stupid.
6. An Apple Watch.
My grandfather would slap the shit out of me for wearing “jewelry” if he saw me wearing something on my wrist that did anything but tell time.
7. A Picture.
I’m already your personal photographer, so this would just be overkill.
8. A Gym Membership.
That’s pretty wishful thinking considering I’d probably only use it for the sauna in an attempt to cure my hangover.
9. Any Type Of Craft.
Easy on the papier-mâché, Picasso.
10. Socks.
I’ll lose it first run through the wash. Guaranteed.
11. Cooking Classes.
I… just no.
12. A Watch.
You can’t afford the one I want.
13. An iTunes Gift Card.
I haven’t bought a song or app since, like, 2009.
14. A Wallet.
Places I will leave it: at a bar, in an Uber, in between your couch cushions, literally anywhere that I’ll never retrieve it from.
15. A Sweater.
I’m probably going to ruin it by washing it with the wrong temperature of water and drying it on too high of a heat. And then you’ll yell at me.
16. Cookware.
Yeah, my outdated kitchen really needs new pans and a coffee machine that looks like R2-D2. Won’t look out of place at all.
17. Anything I’ll Have To Exchange Due To Size.
The last thing I want to deal with is gift receipts and post-Christmas mall crowds hunting for deals.
18. A Scarf.
You’re just going to feel insulted when my friends are making fun of it at the bar, and then we’ll have to leave and argue in front of our Uber driver which neither of us want.
19. Fun Coupons.
Yeah, I’m sure you’ll be really into that back rub I have to use a fucking coupon to get. You’ll either feel like a dead fish slapping my back or say, “Not tonight,” before I just throw the stupid booklet away for good.
20. A Dog.
Too serious. Too fucking serious.
21. A Trip.
It will just end up costing me more money than it cost you to set the whole thing up.
22. Charity Donations.
Can’t we just give them the pants you got me that are 2″ too small from last Christmas instead? We both knew I wouldn’t trim down just to fit in some slim fit chinos you overpaid for.
23. Nothing.
Is this a fucking joke? .
Image via Shutterstock
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Will
Will (Twitter / Instagram) is the host of The Sunday Scaries Podcast.
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The level of pent up relationship gift rage in this article is beautiful. Who hurt you Will? Let it out. This is a safe space.
Fuck your “safe space” and all “safe space”.
Are we not in the trust tree, the nest?
Wait until you’re married, then there’s only one thing on your list not to buy me:
1. Anything. Because effectively I’m paying for it too. And if I wanted to buy it I already would have.
I’ve been telling my wife this exact same thing for the past month! There’s still a 100% chance she’ll ignore me and buy me some crappy gift I have to pretend to like.
The only solution I’ve found is to pick something you do need and say you want that. This year I “hope” to get a new weed wacker since I have to buy one come spring anyways. Sigh.
Buy a weed whacker and fuck around with trimming once a month or buy a gallon of RoundUp™ and fuck around with “trimming” once a year.
Lay down some atrazine 90DF without mixing it. Fuck around with trimming never.
I feel that way about what my husband will get me.
There’s a great Jim Jefferies bit similar to this. Rather than try to explain and lose the joke, here: https://youtu.be/YJvKBO-qBho?t=1m10s
Does your wife not work?
Pfftt…are you kidding? My husband and I have had separate finances since we got together. His money is his money and he’s made that abundantly clear. I needed a breathing medication last year that cost $268 and I couldn’t afford it the doctor even told him I was being deprived of oxygen without it and he never offered to pay for it, she had to give me free samples of the meds. Meanwhile he’s lived in my house that I had long before we met for 5 years rent and mortgage free and I gave him a truck also free. All he pays for is half of utilities, cable/internet and his own groceries and toiletries. Men tell me all the time there wife has all their money and I just am flabbergasted at how that even happens?
Are you bragging that your husband sucks? Because it seems like you’re bragging that your husband sucks.
Def not bragging…more like waking up.
Scarlett, your marriage sounds weird as hell.
Not so much weird as one sided…. but enlightening not all women get all of your money some of us get screwed too.
I don’t give a damn
He seems like a swell guy.
Not having enough money to make separate finances worthwhile…#PGP
I think you should be a contributor to the site; I have so many questions for you. So. Many.
I’m… pretty sure you’re making a Gone With the Wind reference…
Don’t get offended, guys. This is a satirical (and much more enjoyable) spin off of an article that got tons of heat on TSM.
I’ll be honest, I want booze. There’s like no chance I will be disappointed with that gift, and it’s something I would buy anyways so I am saving money. It’s perfect.
If my wife would give me a couple of bucks to blow on Draft Kings that would be great.
Home Depot cards are badass. If that is all anyone gives you, you can buy something big with them, like more tools, or in my case, a new washer and dryer.
The only way to acquire a new washer and dryer is on the Showcase Showdown.
#LifeGoals that R2-D2 coffee maker sounds awesome. Imagine the beep-boop-beeeeep when you start the brew and this notification when your cup of Jawa is done brewing.
R2 units have made my job obsolete. PGP.
Fucking Vitamix and a Dyson vacuum.
Apparently I don’t even know how to purchase appliances. Caroline, help us with more things.
Little known fact (maybe). If you go stainless it’s recommended to buy everything from the same manufacturer (GE, Samsung, etc.) because each use a slightly different finish which affects the final color.
Wait, why the hell wouldn’t you want booze…?
Numbers 20 and 21 hit too close to home. This is not going to be a very Merry Christmas
When you live in Minnesota, that scarf will come in handy.
The only positive that has ever come out of an iTunes gift card for me was removing ads from this and a few other apps.