I recently spent my first weekend in Vegas with some college buddies, drinking and gambling heavily. I flew in on Spirit Airlines (FML), stayed at The Mirage ($$$), and made out with a girl at a pool party (boobs). Here is a list of lessons I decided to jot down for the rest of you so that you can learn from my mistakes and triumphs.

1. Never walk up to a blackjack dealer and say what you think the count is. This will result in a 250 pound pit boss hovering over you and watching every bet you make for the next 20 minutes.
2. Don’t split tens. Only douchebags split tens. See above about the pit boss.
3. The cocktail waitresses will get you drunk. Fast. For free. As long as you’re gambling, they want you drinking.
4. Pick an amount of money that you don’t mind losing. Expect to double that.
5. If someone has a foreign accent and is wearing too much gold jewelry, this person definitely know a guy who can get you coke and a guy who does murder-for-hire. Just keep that in mind.
6. Do not let the free limo ride to the strip club sucker you in. They will offer you free fireball shots. Don’t. The sketchy driver will demand a tip while some scary Russian bouncer looms over you.
7. Don’t go to the strip clubs at all. The pool parties are cheaper and you’ll actually have a chance at hooking up.
8. What happens in Vegas does not stay in Vegas-you will tell your friends and she will tell hers. Some things are going to get out.
9. It’s harder than you think to hook up. Not attractiveness-wise, just logistically.
10. Go to the pool parties and stay out of the clubs, unless you’re really, really good looking. If so, go to the clubs.
11. Check your bag when you fly in. The extra $30 you pay to check it is worth it when you’re bringing two handles of Jack and dozens of shooters. Drinks in Vegas cost about $20 a pop and $35 for Long Island iced teas.
12. Sneak in shooters everywhere you can: socks, crotch, and crack. Sorry bro, security searches waistbands and pockets pretty thoroughly.
13. Pregaming at Chipotle isn’t a terrible idea. Their margs are only $6 but they won’t let you do shots.
14. Never draw more than $100 from the ATM at a time. You’ll thank yourself later.
15. Don’t try to dine and dash. It’s tempting, but don’t. You ever get punched in the gut by a 6 foot 7 security guard named Leroy right after eating $22 worth of surf ‘n’ turf?
16. Feel free to try something raunchy that you normally wouldn’t do at home.
17. Try to be in bed by 3 a.m. at least one night. You’ll thank yourself on Tuesday.
18. The Vegas airport is a zoo on Sunday. Plan accordingly.
19. Monday will be hell and you’ll want to die no matter who you are.
20. If you ever shrug your shoulders and say to yourself, “It is Vegas,” be prepared to regret that decision.
21. Plan to spend at least one night off The Strip.
22. Take one or two pictures with your friends. You’ll cherish those memories forever. No Facebook. Dropbox all the way.
23. Just remember: she’s somebody’s daughter.