22 Wildly Optimistic Things To Keep Telling Yourself While Apartment Hunting


Apartment hunting, especially on your own for the first time, is a harrowing and expensive experience. But, this too shall pass (hopefully) and there is always a light at the end of the long, winding, broker-filled tunnel. Before you wrap your head around the logistics of moving (and throwing your savings at the problem) just keep repeating the wildly optimistic affirmations below. They’ll remind you to keep swimming, and not just tread water — and by “water,” I mean the liquor you’ll be drinking so you don’t have to pack up your bar.

  1. I can find a no-fee apartment online without ending up in a body bag after the “open house”!
  2. I don’t need a broker. My friends will diligently comment on my Facebook status that pleads for any information regarding an open apartment during a notoriously bad time of year for renting!
  3. I won’t need to blow money on movers, because my friends will help me move all my dangerously heavy furniture. I can just pay them with alcohol and possibly my body!
  4. Utilities on my own won’t be that bad. Besides, it’s not like I need to turn on the heat anyway!
  5. Who needs an in-unit washer and dryer? I love communing with locals in the nearest laundromat. It’s like living in an episode of Girls!
  6. I won’t miss having an elevator. A fifth-floor walkup will help get me that runway model-quality lower body I’ve always wanted.
  7. I will not fall down the five flights of stairs of that aforementioned walkup in heels while intoxicated and lie unconscious for several hours, if not the entire night, at the bottom!
  8. I won’t miss my rooftop and all the seemingly ripped, shirtless finance guys who love to binge drink up there in the summer!
  9. I won’t miss living on the water. I have enough existential crises that don’t require sullenly staring into the East River!
  10. I won’t need a double closet. Wasn’t one of my resolutions this year to cut down on the whole “being disturbingly shallow” thing? Besides, I like being single! Why dress like I’m looking?
  11. I won’t spend most of my waking hours stalking Craigslist and StreetEasy for potentially fake openings, leaving me with little time or energy to enjoy myself!
  12. I will be able to fall asleep, and I won’t panic when my lease expires in two weeks and I have nowhere to go!
  13. I will still be able to entertain in my new home right after blowing all my money on moving and fees!
  14. I won’t miss having a concierge or a package room. It’s not like I get packages every day — just several times a week. It’ll help me cut down on my “less material goods” concept. Maybe I’ll even cut down on my spending.
  15. It’s not like I need a gym in my building. I can just eat less and save on food!
  16. My friends will still visit me. My friends will still visit me. My friends will still visit me.
  17. I don’t need to live in a “luxury” building. My delusions of grandeur could use a kick in the rear!
  18. I won’t have issues sleeping at night or panic attacks about living alone in Harlem. That’s what deadbolts and prayers are for!
  19. Sure, having breakfast served to me every day in my current building is nice, but who says breakfast is the most important meal of the day? It’s just useless calories!
  20. It’s okay that I have never, ever lived alone and therefore don’t own furniture besides a dresser, a bed, and a George Foreman grill. That tiny grill will make a big impact!
  21. Having no furniture is very chic and will positively impact my feng shui!
  22. It’s okay that I have no home repair or basic life skills at all! That’s why I can bribe my male friends with liquor!

Email this to a friend


Writer in NYC. To quote Dr. Seuss, "Being crazy isn't enough."

7 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

For More Photos and Content

Latest podcasts

Download Our App

Take PGP with you. Get

New Stories

Load More