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Netflix, fulfiller/destroyer of dreams, announced this week that they will be pulling Titanic from its line-up on August 1. Essentially, that means you only have a limited amount of time left to watch the iconic movie before it goes back into James Cameron’s vault like a Disney movie (because let’s be real, the only copy you have is your parents’ old VHS tape, and there’s no chance of that being rewound anytime soon). But why just re-watch it, when you can live the iconic masterpiece yourself?
1. Stake claim to a giant and quite famous piece of jewelry. Persuade people that it’s yours with an elaborate and detailed story of your destined, but doomed, whirlwind romance that ends with your lover’s frozen fate.
2. Literally gamble your future.
3. Be dramatic about how unfair your privileged life is. Tell people who try to help, “You don’t know me,” and tack on a “You don’t know my life” for good measure and to bridge the generational gap.
4. Have an affair and make literally no effort to hide it from anyone, including the person you’re currently engaged to marry.
5. Hock spit “like a man” for absolutely no reason in front of all the nicest people you know to see who can do it the furthest. Embarrass your mother.
6. Go to dinner with the finest, wealthiest people onboard. Get insulted.
7. Go to a party, dance like nobody is watching. Drink some beer and show off your tame, but oddly badass, party tricks while smoking a cig you pulled out of some stranger’s mouth.
8. Hate every aspect of your over-privileged life.
9. Be the king of the world.
10. Continue to put absolutely no effort into hiding you affair. Make out on deck at the bow of the ship.
11. Make a stranger draw you in nothing but the 54-carat diamond necklace your scored from your fiancé just two nights ago.
12. Tell your grandkids and anyone who will listen about the night grandma got freaky with someone who isn’t grandpa.
13. Pay someone large sums of money to watch your partner’s every move, and keep paying them, even though he sucks.
14. Run away from that guy and flip him the bird to assert dominance.
15. Have sex in the backseat of your car (you know, just like you did when you were 17). Leave a handprint on the window (J+R were here 04/14/1912).
16. When shit hits the fan, go running into the arms of the same people you’ve been running from the entire night.
17. Believe the guy who is hell-bent on controlling your life. Bonus points if you realize the truth before he slaps the snot out of you.
18. Put all that spitting practice to good use – spit in some asshole’s face and run quick, run far.
19. Talk about how long the first-class wait for a lifeboat is. Relish in your privilege, warmth, and knowledge of your impending survival.
20. Save someone’s life. Then allow them to die a frigid death as you are not one to share the giant piece of wood you’re floating on that’s keeping you alive. (THERE WAS ROOM FOR TWO!)
21. Secretly keep that giant rock your entire life. Disregard the fact that there are people literally dedicating their lives trying to find it. Drop it into the ocean, anyway, and make the most annoying sound you can muster.
22. Let your life as you’ve known it go down with the ship. Start a new life. Tell no one. .
Image via YouTube
Respond
@lnsayers
@lnsayers
Back in 2012, my girlfriend of the time dragged me to see Titanic in 3D, even though she had it on VHS at home. It’s literally exactly the same, but the boat kind of looks like it might hit you. Worst $32 I ever spent.
You should’ve taken that $32 to the liquor store, bought it on Blu-ray, and convinced her to watch it at home. Less “Titanic might hit me,” more sex.
I have $40 in my wallet, Insayers. You and I can rewrite the wrongs of the past.
Moderately Aggressive!
Didn’t even get laid that night
Did you get a boyfriend or something? Your columns have really gone downhill from the near-smut you used to grace us with on Fridays.
1. I never realized I had a Friday smut trend.
2. Yes.
3. Also see: grad school. 🙁
Mainly just time-consuming. I try to write when I have some time, guys. Promise.