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Airdrop your furniture from a C-130 into your new neighborhood.
Deliver everything else in a full blown 18-wheeler semi.
Unload your Big Green Egg first.
Mark your territory by peeing on your lawn in full view of your new neighbors.
“You guys let me know if I ever need to move the Land Cruiser.”
First names first, all day everyday.
“Mark, I’m about to put enough meat in this Green Egg to feed Darfur for three weeks.”
“Jeff, home run derby. My backyard. 15 minutes. Bring your wife.”
“Steve, I just installed a mint condition 1987 edition Larry Bird pop-a-shot machine in my basement. You gotta see this thing.”
Make sure your 72-inch OLED faces out towards the street in plain view through your bay window.
“When’s the block party? I’ve got a great bouncy castle guy.”
Build a crow’s nest on top of your house and yell at your neighbor’s kids with a bullhorn.
Slip the neighborhood security officer a 20.
If you don’t have a neighborhood security officer, hire one yourself.
Announce your presence with authority at the neighborhood pool with a 15-minute can opener and cannonball exhibition set to “The Boys Are Back in Town.”
Put your “We don’t call the police” sign on the curb.
Tell your neighbors how their kids “don’t look like they’re from around here.”
Neighborhood fantasy football league commissioner.
Pay your HOA fees in cash.
Start an “Anyone else think Mark is just a total knob?” thread on Nextdoor.
Dad fight club..
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
@brianmcgannon
brianmcgannon
Ask for their wifi password until yours is installed. Then change their password.
Big. Ass. American. Flag
I don’t KNOW Margot.
But why is the carpet all wet Todd?
22. “Hey what are you guys doing tonight? Nothing? Great do you mind babysitting the kids?”
I peed off the front porch on day 1, cracked a rifle shot at a deer that was munching on my apple tree on day 2, and had a housewarming bonfire day 3 where “Live Bullet” and CCR’s greatest hits album ran on loop for 6 hours. Then played it cool for a few weeks.
A couple of the neighbors invited me to play golf with them at 8 am. They picked me up with a full yeti of jack and coffee. I sit down in the car and ask me “Where do you worship at on Sunday’s?” Turns out, 2 out of the 3 I was in the car with were evangelical pastors.
Where you gonna put a tree that big?
Bend over n’ i’ll show ya.
I’ve got new neighbors moving in this weekend, will have this checklist printed out to see what the competition’s bringing to my block.
Moving in two weeks. Will try to provide updates on how these work out
Tell them you’re thinking about installing a pool in the backyard
Buy the biggest house in the neighborhood and constantly talk about how cheap it was.