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- Cheeseburger or GTFO. Doesn’t matter what kind of restaurant you’re eating in.
- After making your drink order, tell the waiter that you want them every six minutes. Overtly gesture that you will be timing them.
- Make sure the waiter knows that you have no problem with “taking your money elsewhere” before anything even goes wrong at dinner.
- Keep in mind the importance of physical touch during a date. High five your date when she says something funny or intelligent.
- Bring your own bib. Claim that it’s made out of the finest Italian linen.
- Say “three” when your waiter asks you whether you want a bottle or glass of wine.
- Quote a Yelp! review when suggesting what your date should order.
- If your date complains about anything at anytime, let them know that it was between this place and Chili’s.
- Upon arriving, enthusiastically shake the maître d’s hand and power wave to the manager.
- Ask the waiter if “Sergio” is working the bar tonight.
- Ask the string quartet if they know any Steve Winwood.
- Ask for a calorie chart before you order so you can do a cost-benefit analysis of your entreé to determine which meal will showcase your manliness to your date.
- Figure out who your waiter is going to be an hour before you show up at the restaurant, slip him a Lincoln and tell him to treat you like you’re a regular.
- Bring up how much you make in a year, and if she’s not impressed or skeptical, say “Want me to prove it?”
- If your date orders the most expensive thing on the menu, say, “Quite the appetite you got there.”
- Snap your fingers at the waiter and call him “boy.”
- Bring your own set of steak knives.
- Order way too many side dishes.
- Bring a monogrammed fountain pen to sign the check. The monogram doesn’t have to be yours. Claim it’s a family heirloom.
- Tell the waiter that the french fries “finished the dish spectacularly” after he clears your place.
- Suggest that you have dessert back at your place and by dessert you mean sex.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
“1 milk shake, 2 straws.”
Fantastic.
#12 because statistical analysis makes the honeys drip drip drip.
22.) Give the waiter tips to pass along to the chef on how to prepare your meal. Again, these are the best.
Where is Gil?
….Basically everything from American Psycho and The Wolf of Wall Street?
My favorite scene in American Psycho is when Patrick orders a cheeseburger.
and then there’s a great scene in Wolf of Wall Street where Jordan Belfort high fives his date.
22. “She’ll have a house salad, dressing on the side.”
I’m pretty sure that “slip ____ a Lincoln” is a Power Move in and of itself. Well played, sir. Well played.
Fucking peasant problems.
These columns are like a fine scotch. They simply get better with time. Write that down.
amazing list. One caveat:
Just make sure you do this with a girl who you don’t like or want a future with.
Why?
A caveat to your caveat…satire. ha ha. this is not real. in any circumstance. shouldn’t have to say it.