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- Say, “Let me crunch some numbers and get back to you!” when a coworker asks you to help with a menial task.
- End each email you send with a different Hunter S. Thompson quote.
- Reply to company wide emails with “I think I speak for everyone when I say…”
- Take dry swings in the break room.
- Tell people you’re thinking about playing in a US Open qualifier.
- Keep an extra large container of protein powder under your desk.
- Reference “How to Win at the Sport of Business: If I Can Do It, You Can Do It” by Mark Cuban while eating lunch with your boss.
- Openly brag about how much money you saved on your utility bill last month.
- Refer to your gym as a “health club.”
- Cook a $2.50 steak at home and bring it in for lunch the next day. Claim it is from Morton’s.
- Triple Dipper at Chili’s. All day, every day.
- Say, “They have a great salad there,” when an overweight coworker tells you where they’re going for lunch.
- Make your own personal parking space sign for your parking space that’s 500 yards from the office.
- Lead off emails with a link to your LinkedIn profile.
- Invite your boss to go get a haircut with you at Sport Clips.
- Text pictures of yourself at happy hour to married coworkers.
- Put two empty shot glasses on your desk when staying late.
- Use an empty milk jug to drink water at your desk.
- Drink pre-workout instead of coffee.
- Bring a different date to every company function.
- Bring a group of interns into the conference room and hold a “team building” seminar.
Editor’s note: Some, if not all of these, will get you fired.
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Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
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I pulled a power move the other day and requested a third desk monitor, and claimed it was to “multitask and operate multiple accounts spreadsheets and still allowing me to keep Microsoft Outlook on the third screen”. Instead the third screen faces away from all my co-workers and lets me check my fantasy teams.
#20 actually works, though. I mean that in the least douchy way possible. People notice.
#12. I can’t count how many times I’ve thought about saying that.
#6. Some ass -douche actually did this where I used to work.
I have both an office and a cube. I don’t know why. I have both completely set up as work stations.
I hit up the gym right before I had to work at my unpaid internship all day, still running on a double dose of preworkout, to be honest it worked like a charm.
I’ve done #19, huge mistake. I could not sit still at my desk and constantly played desk drums.
I think I speak for everyone when I say this is your finest work in yet in this series, showing us how to capitalize from “…the tension – between a restless idealism on one hand and a sense of impending doom on the other – that keeps [us] going.”