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I believe that in every romantic relationship, there’s a catalyst that leads to its downfall. So, once in a while, in an effort toward personal life improvement, I like to revisit ghosts of girlfriends past to see why things didn’t work out in the long run, whether it be my fault, the fault of the lady, or the fault of both parties.
Here’s a sampling of 20 moments when I should’ve known shit was about to go bad.
1. (After a daytime Sunday binge on Powers whiskey.)
Her: “We’re going to Vegas tonight and getting married.”
Me: “No we’re fucking not.”
Her: (grabs my nuts and crushes them) “Yes we fucking are or I’ll rip your dick off.”
2. Her: “I got new sneakers today.”
Me: “What kind?”
Her: “Sketchers.”
3. Her: “Here, take some of these pills with me.”
Me: “What are they?”
Her: “Don’t be a pussy. Just take them.”
4. “Who’s Ted Nugent?”
5. “My favorite movies are all of the ‘Saw’ movies.”
6. “Yeah, I fucked that guy from work, and I’d do it again!”
7. “I think you’re an alcoholic.”
8.(Obviously lying to me, while I’m sitting in my tuxedo.)
“I can’t go to prom with you tonight because…um…my grandparents got in a plane crash this morning.”
9. Her: “What are some of your favorite bands?”
Me: “Well, I like Bob Seger a lot.”
Her: “Hahahahahaha! Oh, wait–are you serious?”
10. Her: “I saw you looked at porn on your laptop, you asshole.”
Me: “So?”
Her: “None of my other boyfriends ever liked porn!”
Me: “None of them?”
Her: “No!”
Me: “They were liars.”
11. “I only eat gluten free pizza.”
12. (On a Sunday during a Detroit Lions game)
“Wanna go to Target?”
13. “I’m not going to kiss you when you don’t shave your face. It’s gross.”
14. “I fucking hate Chicago. It’s a shithole.”
15. “You swear too much.”
16. “I had sex with my ex-boyfriend last night. But it wasn’t, like, fucking. It was just normal sex. Like, we’re just still friends. I’m just trying to be honest.”
17. Her: “Just come over and fuck me. We’re gonna die soon anyway.”
Me: “What’s that? Come again?”
Her: “Never mind, it doesn’t matter.”
Me: (?!)
18. “Are the Detroit Tigers football or basketball?”
19. “You’re not allowed to drink scotch anymore.”
20. “I think we should get a divorce.”.
Image via Shutterstock
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Mike Burns
Mike Burns is a comedian, author, and writer of television. He was born in Saginaw, MI and lives in Los Angeles, via Chicago via New York. Mike graduated from Michigan State University with a degree in Advertising that he threw in the trash. He's also the creator of @DadBoner and the author of "Power Moves: Livin’ The American Dream, USA Style by Karl Welzein."
@pizzanachos69
@pizzanachos69
Can I have #3’s phone number?
14. Uhhh, go fuck yourself ma’am.
14. “I enjoy Jay Tas columns.”
#10 they were in fact liars
Not even “good” liars.
I’ve actually had the #16 conversation before…
Having a laughably pathetic romantic life. PGP.
12. It’s not like you’d be missing much…
I feel there were probably some previous early warning signs for some of these.
These didn’t make me laugh. You are awarded 0 points
You should have known your relationships would go to hell. You seem like a selfish prick and the girls you date are exactly the same way. Can’t have two selfish pricks in one relationship. Duh.
I am by no means a good writer, but your attempts at satire make me feel like Hemingway.