18 Thoughts That Go Through Your Head During 18 Holes


  1. I’m just warming up. Shaking off the cobwebs. No big deal.
  2. There’s something wrong with this fucking putter.
  3. I need to stay calm, and remember my swing thoughts.
  4. That cart girl could easily ruin my marriage.
  5. I’m going to blade the shit out of this flop shot.
  6. Maybe I need new golf shoes. How much are those Tiger Woods cleats?
  7. Damn. Really running low on balls.
  8. How am I sore already? I have the joints of a 70-year-old man.
  9. If the foursome in front of us doesn’t hurry up, I’m going to ask someone in my group that can aim to hit into them.
  10. Why does the course marshal always show up right before I hit? So much pressure.
  11. I’ll play for real on the back nine.
  12. Maybe I should just leave the driver in my fucking bag.
  13. I really wish I had more time to practice on the range.
  14. Shouldn’t have bought those Pro V1s at the turn. I’m losing $6 worth of golf balls per hole.
  15. I wish an alligator would bite off my fucking hand.
  16. All I need is one incredible shot to make it all worthwhile.
  17. He shouldn’t have been standing there.
  18. Fuck this game. Fuck this course. Fuck the guys I’m playing with. Fuck Rickie Fowler. Fuck me.

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Ross Bolen

Ross Bolen is a New York Times Bestselling author, co-host of the Oysters, Clams & Cockles: Game of Thrones podcast, co-host of the Back Door Cover sports podcast, 2017 Masters attendee, bigger and more loyal Rockets, Astros and Texans fan than you, cheese enchilada aficionado, and nap god.

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