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Iggy Azalea knows what it means to be fancy, and so should you.
1. Fancy Girls Carry Expensive Handbags At All Times
“Louis Vuitton and Chanel go with everythinggggg.” -Fancy Girl
Whether that means with yoga pants on the way to the gym or with a little black dress at a Highland Park charity event Chart Westcott is rumored to be attending, you better carry the goods. If the sack of leather you carry all your shit in is not French and/or more expensive than a month’s rent, you are not allowed to call yourself fancy. Period.
2. Fancy Girls Only Drink Top Shelf Liquor
“So this guy I know read somewhere that there are only, like, three major industrial producers of vodka and that it’s the branding and bottling that jack up the price. So basically Smirnoff and Grey Goose literally come from the same place and are just packaged in either a plastic or a glass bottle, and that’s the only reason one is more expensive than the other…”
Well that’s great, but a fancy girl knows the truth. “This guy” you know with his bullshit statistics is just another self-righteous hipster.
“You are NOT a better person for drinking something less expensive than Grey Goose. You are just more fiscally responsible and that makes you think you are smarter and more important than everyone else, when in reality, it just makes you a douchebag and therefore NOT fancy. Just drink your damn Smirnoff and be sad.” -Fancy Girl
3. Fancy Girls Only Wear Lululemon To The Gym
If your tacky ass gym shorts don’t have that silver omega sign on the side, you aren’t fancy enough. In fact, you should probably just go home.
“Men won’t even check out a girl’s ass at the gym if her yoga pants aren’t Lulu. Why? Because they already know she’s not fancy enough to be wife material. That’s why.” -Fancy Girl
4. Fancy Girls LOVE Lana Del Rey
“She is a goddess and totally naturally beautiful. Yes, she changed her name, and okay, there are a few stories (and pictures) claiming she had plastic surgery, but those are just rumors.” -Fancy Girl
D.J., for the love of God, please just put on a dubby remix of “Young and Beautiful” at the bar so she can drink her Grey Goose and cran and sway back and forth with her fancy friends.
5. Fancy Girls Will Openly Hate People Who Go To Music Festivals
“Why the FUCK is that hippie bitch wearing flowers in her hair? It’s okay for Lana to do it because she’s a musician. That girl just looks like a SKANK. What are pasties? No, I would NOT like to try ecstasy. It has bath salts in it. Absolutely not.” -Fancy Girl
6. Fancy Girls Are Cultured
They likely attend(ed) private universities and studied abroad in Paris one semester so they could “become fluent” in French. They needed to go to France because that’s where they plan to open their boutiques after finishing their bachelor’s degrees in fashion media.
“It’s important to establish a solid client base.” -Fancy Girl
7. Fancy Girls Smoke Cigarettes (But Only When They Drink)
This is a just a “naughty” habit they picked up while studying abroad in Paris.
“French people smoke all the time. It’s just their culture.” -Fancy Girl
8. Fancy Girls Refuse To Go To Walmart
But it’s not because they are “stuck up.” It’s because…
“Walmart is promoting monopolization in America and sweatshops instigate child labor. That is just sick.” -Fancy Girl
They will still look up these facts on their iPhone 5S though, because Apple is now aware of the 70 cents an hour, 16-hour workday problem, and they’re totally going to fix it. Fancy girls are educated.
9. Fancy Girls Add Extra Letters Onto The End Of Words
There’s no explanation for this. It’s just what they do.
“Babeeee I miss youuuuuu…drinksss???? [emoji of alcoholic beverage, emoji of heart, emoji of happy face, emoji of panda bear]” -Fancy Girl
10. Fancy Girls Will Want To Go Dancing
This does not just mean “barhopping” or “clubbing.” Also, you won’t be invited, because fancy girls definitely have girls’ nights, the only exception being their sassy gay friends who are probably better looking and definitely more ripped than you.
“Stephanieeeeeee let’s go to that new place, I reallyyyyyy want to go dancing tonight.” -Fancy Girl
11. Fancy Girls Will NOT Get White Girl Wasted On Saturday Night
But they will definitely go to Sunday brunch and they will definitely invest in the unlimited Bloody Mary bar. Fancy girls won’t drink mimosas, though.
“Mimosas don’t have vodka, and this restaurant won’t mix orange juice with the Dom I brought in my Louis.” -Fancy Girl