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I’ve been watching all the Christmas classics this holiday season since the Chicago Bears are a train wreck and the Capital R Roommate refuses to re-watch Breaking Bad with me because it’s “too scary.” The most recent was last night’s viewing of the 1990 Chris Columbus Christmas classic, Home Alone.
I have some very reasonable, adult questions that this film does not answer. I’m going to attempt to answer them here. And yes, I do realize this is a kids movie that came out over 25 years ago, but it’s three weeks until Christmas, and we’re all a little checked out now, aren’t we?
1. Is Mitch Murphy the ghost of the airport van driver’s dead son?
The little shit with the over the top Irish-Chicago accent appears seemingly out of nowhere, badgering the airport driver who immediately gets extremely agitated. Smash cut to Mitch sitting basically on the guy’s lap in the front seat asking more questions. When the McCallisters line up outside to be counted, not a single one of them acknowledges little Mitch’s existence. He stands there, waving as they drive away yelling “Bring me back something French!”
Theory: three years prior, the airport van driver was flying his family to Orlando for Christmas. Well, first they had to stop in Missouri to pick up their grandma. In the driver’s hurry to get out of the city before the Eisenhower gets jammed with rush hour traffic, he accidentally runs over his 10-year-old son Mitch, killing him. Just like he did with the McCallister’s statue. Now every time he drives his van for the holidays the ghost of his dead son appears, reminding him of his tragic error. Even worse the ghost doesn’t seem to recognize him. It’s driven the driver to drink (ha) because he knows his youngest son Mitch will never get to visit the France Pavillion at Disney World’s Epcot Center.
2. What are the “odd marketable securities” the McCallister house might have? Also, what are odd marketable securities?
Seriously, I’ve done some Googling and can’t for the life of me figure out what they are. Is this something I’m supposed to know? More importantly, is this something I’m supposed to have? I’m 27 with an apartment, a car and student loans. Should I ask my parents for “odd marketable securities” for Christmas? I hate feeling like I’m behind the curve of all the people from high school on Facebook who I constantly compare myself too.
Wait, except if odd marketable securities have something to do with marriage. Fuck that noise.
3. How tough was Sergeant Balzak’s career?
Let me get this straight. This guy starts off in the Chicago Police Academy, with the last name Balzak? I know from personal experience having a funny last name is a death sentence for a young man. He works his way up the ranks, first as a patrolman on the South Side, avoiding hails of gunfire and White Sox fans. Eventually he walks a beat down in the Loop. This was 1990, back when cops walked “beats” instead of “beat” teenagers to death.
In his last five years of his career he gets a cushy desk job in the North Suburbs working in Family Affairs. He gets to sit on his ass until his pension kicks in, eating stacks of doughnuts a day. Balzak shouldn’t be viewed as an unhelpful heel in Mrs. McCallister’s plan. If he was honored at a sporting event, he would be given a standing ovation. You do you Balzak.
4. Did Kevin have ADHD?
Here are the major symptoms of ADHD in children: hyperactivity, inability to focus on others, and impulsivity.
Kevin’s displayed every one of these things.
The first thing he does when he realizes his family is gone is run around the house screaming like a maniac and eating sweets.
When the pizza guy brings by FOURTEEN pizzas for fifteen people, Kevin is quick to ask:
And any kid who can do this all evening, for hours on end should be seriously tested for more than just a little too much sugar intake.
Christ almighty, I’m never having kids or getting married.
5. Was that my ex girlfriend working checkout at the grocery store?
Sure looks like one of the Midwest 6’s I remember from back in the day!
6. Why didn’t Gus Polinski and the rest of the “Polka Kings of the Midwest” rent a minivan instead of a Budget moving van? How is that legal?
They are most certainly not getting their deposit back after this! Were all regular minivans gone? They could have been fine with renting two coups. Also, you know those moving vans have no insulation back there. I hope Kate McCallister is able to hug her lost son with frostbitten fingers.
Oh, and if this happened today there’d be no way in Hell I’d let my significant other get in a moving van with a bunch of polka players from Wisconsin. I don’t care how badly she wants a ring.
7. Just kidding, the elf was my ex girlfriend.
Your boy JR used to clean up back in 1990. When I was 2. Seriously though, this chick’s a hard Midwest 8/10.
8. Does Kevin grow up to develop a lactose intolerance?
The entire film the only thing this eight-year-old boy does is eat dairy. Cheese pizza, ice cream, macaroni and cheese and a big tall glass of milk. That’s early ’90s parenting for you. My mother used to not let us leave the table until we finished an entire glass of milk. With our fucking fettucini alfredo.
Today, if I had everything Kevin ate in one day in a weekend, I would have to take two sick days from work. Plus lose ten pounds out of both ends of my body. My apartment would be Ground Zero, but that’s fine because I’m not planning on living with ANYBODY.
9. Why didn’t the scene where the nail goes through Marv’s foot earn this film an NC-17 rating?
What the actual fuck? This is some Jigsaw shit. I’d rather watch hardcore torture porn than this stuff.
And last but certainly not least, the most burning question of them all…
10.
Also Harry's wearing a wedding ring – where's his wife in all this and does she know he's a burglar? #homealonetweets
— John Hickey (@johnnyjhickey) November 30, 2015
If you don’t believe me here’s proof:
I can’t imagine Mrs. Harry knows her husband is a burglar. Where does he say he goes all day? Is Harry a disgraced former Chicago PD? It would make sense, he has the uniform at the beginning of the film. It would also explain the odd hours to his wife, who thinks he’s still on the force. Did he and Balzak go to the Police Academy together? Did they start off as friends but eventually fall on opposite sides of the law? Did Marv lure Harry into a world of thievery and riches? Once they get enough scratch and odd marketable securities together they were gonna create an empire and finally take down Balzak? I just had another much more important thought…
11. Has Marv been the brains behind this operation the entire time?
I hope all of these questions are answered in the sequel, which I haven’t watched yet. In it, I hear Marv and Harry join the mob in NYC. Can’t wait to check it out and give you my review.
Happy Holidays!.
Image via YouTube
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JR Hickey
Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.
@JRwilldoit
@JRwilldoit
Buzz’s girlfriend…. how much alcohol would it take?
Little known fact: Buzz’s girlfriend is the director’s son dressed as a girl. He felt bad about making fun of an overweight girl in the movie so did this instead.
Damnit, I made an account purely to point that out. I’ll go back to lurking in the shadows now.
A lot. A goddamn lot.
Your hardcore torture porn link has me more scared to click than deFries’ chronicle this week.
I have potential answers to questions one and two.
1. Mitch was counted during the headcount, which means that the McCallister clan could in fact see him. Additionally, everybody seemed to ignore Kevin, so it isn’t odd that they did not pay him any attention. Lest we forget that not 12 hours before, he caused quite a stir at dinner.
2. I was actually thinking about this when I watched Home Alone earlier this week. I am not 100% up to date on the stock practices in the late 80s/90s, BUT, at one point in history, bonds that used to make timely interest payments actually came with physical coupons. The person that physically had that coupon and took it to the bank (I’m guessing) received the interest payment. I was thinking that stocks may have worked the same way. As in, the actual person that owned the sheet of paper labeled as “stock” may have been the rightful owner. I could very well be incorrect, but I think that may be plausible since I’m not sure when the stock market become as computerized as it is today. I have no theories on the odd nomenclature though.
2.1. Harry doesn’t strike me as being super bright, so he may have had a misconception of what a marketable security or whatever actually was.
Got the answer. A marketable security is something that can be converted to cash quickly, and time won’t drastically effect the price. So in 2015 terms, let’s say you have an Xbox 360. You just got the Xbox One. You know GameStop buys consoles. You can exchange your Xbox 360 for cash. It’s a marketable security.
To put it it early 90’s burglar terms, you rob a house. You steal a bunch of VCR’s camcorders, you can sell that shit quickly for cash at a pawn shop. Saying marketable securities after TV’s and VCR’s was redundant, because those items themselves are marketable securities. Basically anything of value you can liquify fast and maturation won’t drastically effect the value
Plot twist: The South Bend Shovel Slayer is the ring leader behind Harry and Marv’s operation. Ever since he and his son had a falling out he has been hell bent on making life for all of the rich families that moved into “his neighborhood” as miserable as possible. He advises Harry and Marv of the families that will be traveling during the holidays and which houses will have the best scores. However, after meeting Kevin at the church he has a change of heart and ultimately decides to turn the wet bandits into the police while keeping all of the loot for himself. He knows Harry and Marv won’t say a word about him to the police since they know the rumors about him being a serial killer are true. He appears as a hero in the neighborhood allowing him to reconnect with his estranged son and his snow shoveling business takes off.
I’m guessing Harry probably stole the wedding ring as an “odd marketable security” for himself back in the day.
Suspension of disbelief is a beautiful thing. Why ruin a classic?
This is nitpicking (which I guess is the whole premise of the article), but as a fellow Chicago area resident, there is nothing over the top about Mitch Murphy’s accent.
How did they get in the vans, to the airport, to security, and to the gate for an international flight in 45 minutes?
Kevin knows when marv and Harry are showing up, why didn’t he just call the cops then?
I don’t think there was security back then, or if there was, it isn’t as strict as it is now.
How did his parents not find out about all of this? Kevin actually sat up and cleaned the entire house spotless, tar on the stairs, everything. I mean, fuck, we already know this kid can’t pick up his Micro Machines, and he cleaned all that up in mere hours after probably being exhausted? Didn’t they at least notice the fucked up tree house?
Well, there was one room he missed…
Gold tooth = odd marketable security?