People are having babies, and they are constantly posting pictures of their spawn on Facebook and Instagram. With every passing month there are less pictures of hot girls in bikinis doing body shots off of each other on spring break, and more pictures of drooling miniature people occupying your Facebook news feed. It’s a constant reminder that while other people have become adults, you remain in a perpetual state of arrested development.
2. The Gym
It seems like every loser with a Gold’s Gym membership is determined to constantly remind you that they work out. You can’t get through an Instagram refresh session without seeing some tool flexing his abs in the mirror. Admittedly, it’s less annoying when it’s an attractive member of the opposite sex shamelessly flaunting their toned post-grad bod, but it’s still a pathetic call for attention.
3. People Who Use Facebook Like It’s Twitter
Everybody has at least one friend on Facebook who updates their status with useless information that’s meant for Twitter.
“Heading to the Miami Heat game tonight. Really looking forward to seeing LeBron dominate.”
Thanks for keeping us updated, bandwagon nerd. Get a Twitter account. That’s what it’s for.
4. Engagement Photos
You can’t sign in without coming across another engagement announcement. It’s like Father Time is slapping you in the face with every “She said yes!” status. Nothing is worse than the engagement photo album, though. How many different poses and photo shoot locations are necessary to prove that you are truly in love?
5. Vacation Updates
Just because you’re on vacation in the British Virgin Islands doesn’t mean you have to rub it in our faces. Think about your friends who are sitting in their cubicles at their shitty jobs, suffering from mild depression, before you upload 426 photos of you frolicking on the beach across every single form of social media. You’re having a good time. We get it. Stop rubbing it in.
6. Pet Obsession
There is a line when it comes to uploading photos of your pet. If the ratio is so far skewed that there are five pictures of your cat for every one photo of you, you’re doing it wrong. Everybody loves their pets, but we don’t need a new photo every time “Sprinkles” has a bowel movement. For the love of God, control yourself.
7. Throwback Thursday
Everybody gets one. If your Instagram is filled with “Throwback Thursday” pictures and nothing else, it only serves as confirmation for the rest of the world that your current life sucks ass. Go out and do something worthy of some new pictures, and quit living in the past.
8. Connecting On LinkedIn
Just because we sat next to each other in third grade history class doesn’t mean we need to connect on LinkedIn. My job sucks, your job sucks more, we can’t help each other, and there’s no reason for us to “connect.”
9. Pictures Of Food
You just posted a picture of your 6-ounce sirloin at Chili’s, including a geo tag. Are you fucking kidding me? We’re all really impressed, guy. That’s once in a lifetime fine dining, right there. Unless you’re posting a photo of a meal prepared by a world-class chef that is going to melt my brain and truly be worthy of the hashtag #foodporn, spare us.
If you have to constantly remind everyone of how perfect your life is, how great everything is going, and how #blessed you are, then you’re miserable and we know it. Either that or you’re just an annoying braggart. Cram it up your ass.