We’ve already covered the 10 Worst Things About Post-Grad Social Media, but the thing about social media is that there are terrible, attention seeking human beings behind these accounts.
The Not-Fit Fitness Freak
So you finally dropped the freshman 15? Congratulations. You’re a regular Jillian Michaels. Bad news is that this person is still roughly 25 pounds overweight. I’m happy that you’ve finally started taking your health seriously, considering how often you posted pictures of yourself drunkenly eating nachos at three in the morning. Working out doesn’t make you special; it makes you a normal human being that wants to live past 65.
The “My Job Is Awesome” Person
Some people luck out and get really sweet gigs out of college. I’ll admit it, I was one of them. Got a sweet job working for a sports team. After seeing the torment my friends were going through, I decided it best to keep how great my employer was to myself. But there are some who really like to shove it in your face. I don’t care about your “business trip” to Acapulco or your “client meeting” at a Black Keys concert. Some people are stuck in a cubicle with a stack of papers higher than their forehead. Everyone deserves to have a great job at one point in their life, but a little humility would go a long way. Also, could you do me a favor and take a look at my resume?
The Proud To Be Pregnant Girl
So you’ve decided to bring a child into this world. What the hell is the matter with you? Your wedding was 2 months ago and you’re already with child? I’m sorry. That was harsh. I’m very happy for you. It takes a lot of guts to raise a child, and it’s cool that you and your spouse are making that kind of sacrifice. On the other hand, I don’t need weekly updates on your ever-expanding uterus. Keep that to yourself and let me know when that bundle of joy arrives, because I’ll like the shit out of that picture.
The Terrible Engagement Photo Oversharer
You’re one of the 79 people who got engaged over the weekend. I know you like to think that your life is a fairy tale, and a guy who makes $35k a year is your knight in shining armor, but seriously, those engagement photos are the most emasculating thing I’ve ever seen. You better be giving non-stop cartwheel-69s to your fiancé for allowing you to post these ridiculous pictures on Facebook. Keep it simple with a nice black and white portrait with the city in the background. You’re not the first people in the world to get married.
The Belligerent Sports Fan
First off, I am guilty of this. I’m a sports freak and am told every time I see one of my friends that follow me on Twitter to cool it with the sports tweets. Look, I can’t help myself. But I get it. Most people have a casual attitude towards sports, and guys like me ruin everyone’s enjoyment of what should be a nice escape from our everyday lives. I’m sorry I drawl on about the spread option and the importance of on-base percentage, but this is the life I’ve chosen for myself. Sorry I’m just a stat geek at heart, but it’s not like I’m on drugs or anything, no matter how much it seems that way.
The Inaccurate Political Meme Sharer
Obama haters, uninformed liberals and the completely incompetent all seem to love sharing ridiculously incorrect political “facts” on social media. Whether it’s a stupid “One Does Not Simply Extend The Bush Tax Cuts” Lord of the Rings meme, or someone still drawling on about Obama’s birth certificate, these people have no problem with ruining your day. The urge to insult them and call them on their bullshit will overcome you. You’re best served to just unfollow them.
Single And Loathing It
Maybe if you spent your days working out and going on dates, you might not have to post seven things a day on Facebook about your solo relationship status. Embrace being independent. It’s no one’s fault but your own that you’re incapable of attracting a mate. Ryan Gosling isn’t walking through your door. Sometimes you just gotta lower your standards, which are already ridiculously high. But for all things holy, quit posting pictures of yourself drinking wine alone. We’d all be worried about you, but at a certain point, it becomes predictable.
#blessed. You certainly live a charmed life, which is why you don’t have anything interesting enough going on in your life besides posting inspirational, misquoted, inspirational nonsense that’s likely stolen from someone else. Is there really nothing else going on for you other than hoping for Instagram likes on a misattributed Marilyn Monroe quote?
The Social Media Guru
Mashable is their bible. They’re always in on the latest social media craze, this person values being the first one of their friends on every platform. Look, I know you were the first one in your group of friends to get in on Pinterest, but that doesn’t make you special. If they were a social media professional, it’d be understandable and admirable for them to be up to date on the latest trends of the digital age, but they aren’t. They work at a bank.
This one pretty much explains itself.