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First off, happy Father’s Day to most of the dads out there. I’m not a big fan of the “happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there” Father’s Day wish because, let’s face it, there are some really shitty dads out there. Luckily for you, your dad is the shit. At some point in our lives, we find ways that we are picking up on things and mannerisms that our fathers taught us as we continue our journey into adulthood.
Frugality
You find yourself constantly checking the thermostat while at home, and you’re looking into refinancing your car loan. Dear old dad taught you a thing or two about how to squeeze every cent out of a dollar, but now it seems it might be getting a bit out of control. Your apartment is like a sauna when you get home from work during the summer because you completely turn off the AC instead of putting it on 80 degrees like a normal person when you leave for work in the morning. You have a stack of receipts that is taking over your dinner table and are even looking into buying a hybrid car. Fiscal responsibility is important.
Your Hair
I was blessed with a beautiful quaff of hair that I inherited from my dad. Unfortunately for me, my dad was completely gray by the time he was 30, and the grey streaks on my temples have now inched up the side of my head and are threatening to make me look 15 years older than I really am. I have less fortunate friends that are about to go completely bald. Embrace it.
Your Knowledge Of Pop Culture Is Slipping
Have you guys heard that new Sabrina Gomez song? That Alan Thicke can still croon after all these years, huh? What’s the deal with One Direction? The days of being up to date on all things pop culture are passing you by. You’re busy with real adult things. You don’t have time to keep up on the latest crazes. Plus, it’d only piss you off that you’re getting older and didn’t have Snapchat when you were in college.
Wardrobe
You wouldn’t have been caught dead in a Tommy Bahama shirt five years ago, but damn those shirts are comfortable. Those New Balance sneaks may not be the most fashionable, but they really take the pressure off your lower back. Pleated khakis? Why not?
Your Taste In Women
It’s no longer your style to prey on women with daddy issues and wild insecurities. You want a nice girl now, one you can take home to mom and dad. A real wholesome gal who is driven, can cook a decent meal (gender roles FTW) and still likes to cut loose and have a good time. You’re willing to sacrifice a measure of attractiveness to find a suitable soulmate and begin the total transformation into your dad.
Music
You weren’t a big fan of Little River Band growing up like pops was, but there’s nothing like putting on “Reminiscing” after a long day at the office. Gone are the days of hip hop and techno. You’re just looking for a nice little jam to tap your toe along with while you make the commute home.
Your Golf Game
It used to be common practice for you to try to play your natural power fade into the 450-yard dogleg fairway, but now that you’re older, those risks seem a bit unnecessary. Lay it up, pitch-and-putt, fairways and greens. You could clear the water if you got a good gust of wind, but pull out the five iron instead of the fairway wood and lay it up for that par putt. Be humble, break 80 every time out, and frustrate the hell out of your foursome just like the old man did to you every time you hit the links.
Transportation
Ever since turning 16, you’ve wanted that Camaro. But now that you’re 26, that three-year lease on that low monthly payment Accord is looking better by the day. Great gas mileage too. What about those electric cars? Those things are everywhere and you’ll never pay for gas again. Who needs 300 horses when you can get 30 MPG on the highway?
Yardwork
Mowing the lawn and mulching the garden used to be the bane of your existence. Now that you have your own spread, you’re taking great pride on how your commode looks to the outside world. I mean, have you seen how beautiful azaleas are when they bloom in the spring? Nothing quite like coming in for a tall, cool glass of water with the smell of gasoline, sweat and grass clippings on you. A few shrubs would look great next to your bird bath, too.
Nutrition
One-A-Day Men’s, Omega-3, Vitamin B supplements. By the time you’ve finished taking all your pills in the morning, you’re wondering if you even have enough room left in your stomach for breakfast. Gotta stay in the health zone, though. Silent killers are everywhere. Keep your deteriorating body in check with a daily regimen of horse pills and power through.
Respond
Brian McGannon
What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.
@BrianMcGannon
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brianmcgannon
I’ve always liked LRB. Reminiscing FTW.
I wouldn’t have to worry about that truck payment if I had a dollar for every time I heard “You’re just like your dad”.
Well, this is accurate.
Why the hell would I care what people think about the way my shitter looks? Unless you were going for ‘abode’ and not ‘commode’. Laps.
“Laps?” This is not TFM, grow up.