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We’ve been getting heated lately. Like, really heated. Whether you’ve listened to recent episodes of Touching Base or not, you’ve probably heard us go at each other’s necks over food. Walking tacos, Frito Pies, Fritos in general, Doritos, and most recently, SunChips. I, myself, have been at the center of these controversies.
I said I didn’t like Fritos. Sue me. Too much corn flavor for me, all with very little redeeming qualities. If I’m going to get a salt overload that makes my face look puffy and bloated, I’m going to do it with numerous other chips.
And on Thursday, the 27th day of September, I made another statement — I don’t like SunChips. “You take too hard of stances on things,” Dillon told me. A wild accusation considering my reputation for having “cold takes” as a noted “beta.” Legitimately no one has ever accused me of taking too hard of a stance on things pretty much ever.
Listen to the episode on iTunes to find out, or listen below on SoundCloud for some immediate payoff. First 20 minutes starting after the six-minute mark where we discuss Lil Xan overdosing on Hot Cheetos.
It was then that I was challenged to come up with ten snacks that are better than SunChips. And honestly, it’s not even fucking difficult. This is a lay-up for me considering SunChips are bottom-tier chip.
In no particular order.
Which flavor, you ask? Literally all of them. I eat “Everything” P-Crisps with smoked gouda. I eat “Buffalo” during football games. I eat “Original” on the golf course to ensure my fingers don’t get covered in flavor dust. I’ll even dabble with Garlic Parmesan if I’m feeling truly zany.
Ruffles All Dressed Potato Chips
The #1 Flavor in Canada. Think about that. Out of every flavor of Ruffles in Canada, their favorite flavor is All Dressed. If you live beneath the Mason-Dixon, you probably don’t even know what these are. Call me “Unamerican” all you want, but the Canadians got this shit right.
It’s a combination of Salt & Vinegar with BBQ — two other GOAT flavors of chips that are innumerably better than SunChips, but we’ll get to that in a bit.
Zapp’s New Orleans Kettle Baked Voodoo Chips
The Ruffles All Dressed of the South. “Our Special Blend of Spices Will Put A Spell on You,” their slogan says, and put a spell on you they do. I had never had these until I moved to Texas and they changed everything I knew about chips. If we’re talking chips alone, these are my number two beneath All Dressed.
You know that really shitty sour cream onion and onion dip you get from gas stations? Not the mix stuff, I’m talking the really shitty and cheap stuff. Buy some of that and dip some Voodoos in there. Most electric Voodoo combination since Ray Tatum and Coach Taylor*.
Deep River Sweet Maui Onion Kettle Cooked Potato Chips
Are sweet onions native to Hawaii? I have no freaking clue. But what I do know is that I don’t care because these chips ab-so-lute-ly go.
Frankly, Deep River is one of the most underrated chip companies out there. From there Mesquite BBQ to their New York Spicy Dill Pickle, you’d be hard-pressed to find a bag of chips from them that I wouldn’t absolutely demolish with a saran-wrapped sandwich. They even have an All Dressed version that’s exclusive to TJ Maxx. Why does TJ Maxx have an exclusive flavor of kettle baked chips? Again, no freaking clue but I can’t help but respect it.
Rold Gold Tiny Twist Pretzels
A classic. I almost left them off this list not because they’re bad (because they’re not), but because they almost killed George W. Bush. That being said, any snack that nearly assassinates a President must go hard.
These aren’t only great alone, but dipped in some horseradish cheddar cheese dip as well. Call me trash, but I even drizzled Cheez Whiz on these bad boys as a kid. No regrets.
Smartfood White Cheddar Cheese Popcorn
The most addicting white powder since cocaine. While sure, it can’t actually be real white cheddar, I don’t care. One of the best feelings in the world is just tightening the near-empty bag out and dumping that shit into your mouth while people look on in disgust. Honestly, it’s probably jealousy because this is the best popcorn you can buy (that’s not at the movies, of course).
Unhealthy? Sure, but I’m not here to act like I’m eating healthy snacks on a regular basis. If I wanted healthy snacks, I’d grab some freshly chopped veggies and some Sabra Hummus, but that’s neither here nor there.
For the sake of this argument, I’ll ride or die with the Cheddar Cheese Pretzel flavor. But that’s even doing the rest of the flavors a disservice. Whether you’re knocking the bottom out of some Pizzeria Pretzels or some Buffalo Blue Cheese, Combos are a road trip staple even though they make you feel like shit.
Am I proud of this one? No. Do I pile these onto my paper plate at backyard BBQs near and far? Totes obvi.
Yeah, I’ll admit that the integrity of these chips (and every other flavor of Lays) is lacking. Half the bag is normally absolutely shattered before you even open it. But I’ll be damned if I’m not covered in Lays Barbecue seasoning after every grill out I’ve ever been to. A classic.
Cape Cod Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper Kettle Chips
And I won’t stop there. Cape Cod Infused Jalapeno. Cape Cod Sea Salt & Vinegar. Cape Cod Sweet Mesquite BBQ. Cape Cod Russet.
But at the end of the day, the Sea Salt & Cracked Pepper are the A1 Cape Cod chip. I’m fairly sure that most of my moisture-wicking golf shirts are permanently covered in the seasoning from these bad boys. If I had to count on my fingers how many times I’ve taken a stale half-eaten bag of these out of the large pocket of my Callaway golf bag, I’d need about sixty hands.
Cape Cods are in the underrated category along with Deep River. Just two kettle chip companies that deserve all of our respects.
Kettle Brand Dill Pickle
Wow. Just wow. And crinkle cut too? Are you serious? “Thick and Bold Dill Pickle flavor with the perfect balance of tang, dill, onion and garlic.” A shot into the gap, all runs score.
Dill Pickle is not only one of the best flavors of chips, but one of the most underrated flavors as well. Just too good. I saw some as samples in a grocery store recently and damn near had to be escorted out for dumping the plastic display bowl into my mouth.
Honorable Mentions To Further Explain How Many Chips/Snacks Are Better Than SunChips: Munchos, Miss Vickie’s, Funyons, Dirty Potato Chips, Snyder’s Pretzels, Stacy’s Pita Chips, and Terra. .
*Only real Friday Night Lights (series) fans will understand this tweet.