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Some of you probably wonder if your favorite PGP remotes communicate with each other “outside” of our writing. Well, we can’t speak for everyone, but when it comes to the two of us, our texts follow two major themes:
Yes, that’s right: our iMessage convo blows up every Monday night with such profound discussions as the horribleness of Becca’s tattoos and our mutual love/missing of Nanny Raquel. So when news broke of Colton’s casting as the next Bachelor, we spent a solid three hours (while Jenna was supposed to be working and Crick was supposed to be doctoring) discussing how ill-advised this choice was. And then we figured that we should share our thoughts with the people. Instead of tweeting 28 screen shots of our text convo, we’ve boiled it down to 10 concise points why ABC did us all wrong with this horrible pick. You’re welcome.
10.) His Name Isn’t Peter.
Jenna: Or Wills. Or Jason. Or even Grocery Store Joe. While I am still the manager of the “Peter Kraus for Bachelor” campaign because his Insta is just not enough Peter for me, there were many, many better choices than Colton. So I’ll ask ABC the same question I ask myself immediately after texting my ex yet again: WTF were you thinking, ABC?
Crick: Seriously – all of this. If I wrote a list of people who would make a better Bachelor than Colton, it would include everyone Jenna mentioned, most of the other dudes on this season, Chad from JoJo’s season, Dillon Cheverere, Chris Harrison, the cast of Queer Eye, and myself. Even Blake would be a better choice, although I don’t know if his intensive therapy schedule with Dr. Richard Nygard would allow a ten week break for him to go on another dating expedition. Hell, I’d rather see a second Ben Higgins season than suffer through 11 weeks of The Virgin Diaries.
9.) Former Football Player Is Not An Actual Career.
Crick: This is one of my pet peeves on this show. Sure, Colton is a former NFL player. You know what most people who identify themselves as former NFL players are now? Unemployed.
Jenna: See, that’s the feedback from a doctor, which is an actual profession. ABC plays pretty fast and loose with the definition of “career,” with such gems as chicken enthusiast, twin, and Canadian being used in the past. Because liking poultry, having a sibling, and being from a country obviously pay well.
But as a girl who likes the finer things, I need to know that my life partner is going to pull his weight, money wise, and I’m not sure Colton can. From his Bachelorette bio:
Post-football, Colton has dedicated himself to helping children fighting Cystic Fibrosis. When he’s not working on his charity, he’s spending time with his family and his dog, Sniper.
Helping children? Good. Family? Good. Dog? Good. No discernible form of income? Bad. Hey, is Venmo John still single?
8.) Liar, Liar, (Pajama) Pants On Fire.
Jenna: You know what? I’m just gonna toss this over to Crick, who was so pissed about Colton’s non-relationship with the truth that he sent me four CAPITALIZED texts in a row. Sometimes you just gotta let a man rant.
Crick: Alright, folks. Remember during Colton’s hometown date when Becca asked him about the last time he brought a girl to meet his family? Well, I do. His answer was “never,” and Becca was understandably astonished.
HOWEVER, the Internet proves this statement to be a lie. I’m sure by now everyone has seen the picture of Colton and pre-Bachelorette ex girlfriend Aly Raisman wearing matching Christmas onesies at his family’s holiday celebrations. If you’ve never brought a girlfriend home to meet your family, how did that shit happen? You may have deleted that particular Insta post, but The North remembers. WHERE DOES THE LYING STOP, COLTON?
7.) White Toast Is More Exciting.
Crick: There’s nothing wrong with white toast. It’s perfect for occasions like breakfast, when you’re hungover, when you’re sick, or when you’re feeling too lazy to do anything than stuff pieces of bread into the toaster. You know what white toast isn’t good for? Monday nights from 8 p.m.-10 p.m. EST when I’m trying to get drunk and be entertained.
Jenna: Listen, sometimes you just gotta go back to basics and order a vanilla ice cream. But I don’t care how many candy toppings you put on Colton, this dude is still boring as fuck.
6.) Oh, Cool, Another White Dude.
Jenna: Speaking of white things…seriously, are the folks at ABC incapable of diversity when it comes to The Bachelor? There were multiple other choices that were not a white, blonde dude who is as close to the heterosexual male stereotype as humanly possible (except with the crying. So much crying). Do better, ABC.
Crick: I get it. They want to reincarnate Sean Lowe since he’s been the only Bachelor success story in recent years. But you know what? Brunettes like Jason Tartick want to find love too! So do most people. So like…maybe pick someone besides literally the whitest dude from this season.
5.) He’s Not Ready.
Crick: You know what’s a bad idea? Starring on a reality television show where you’re expected to bang three contestants and then propose to one of them when you’ve allegedly never made it past third base in the wild before. I can’t wait for him to lose his V card in the Fantasy Suite after two lights off, under the covers, missionary position pumps and then end up giving that precious Neil Lane ring to another girl. Talk about a set up for a real fucking disaster, no pun intended.
Jenna: I know you’re leaning in on this one, Crick, but I think I’ve figured out ABC’s master plan here – intentionally pick the dudes that aren’t ready so you get a few shows out of ‘em. Case in point: Brad Womack. I’m on to you, Mike Fleiss, you lazy casting fuck.
4.) We’ve Had More Conversations About Colton’s Virginity Than Our Own.
Crick: You know what happened to my virginity? I lost it. End of story.
Jenna: You know, I don’t particularly care that Colton’s a virgin. Instead what I want to know is where the ABC manages to find all of these virgins. Ashley I., Becca T.,
Scallop Fingers Christen, Corrie, and now Colton. Where the hell are these finding these people? And more importantly, where the hell are they finding these people who want to tell the entire world about it?
3.) He’s Clearly A Fame Whore.
Jenna: The aforementioned holiday pajama jammy jam with Aly Raisman? Yeah, well that happened after this:
Dude asked out an Olympic gymnast in a Yahoo! Sports video, dated her for a year, and then decided to go on reality TV not once, not twice, but three times to find love. Yeah, I’m sure he’s here for the right reasons.
Crick: Exactly. Colton cries about people making fun of him for being a virgin, but then goes on a reality dating shows and proclaims to everyone that he’s a virgin? He cries ad tells everyone that Becca broke his heart, but then goes on BIP to “find love” again? Tia tells him she’s falling for him and he totally bails on her while crying like a baby back bitch? Something about this just doesn’t add up.
On that note…
Crick: I’m of the Ron Swanson mentality that crying is acceptable only at funerals and the Grand Canyon. Colton cries as much as Ashley Iaconetti, and for those new to the franchise, that is a metric shit ton. Seriously dude, sack up and bury those emotions like the rest of us.
Jenna: The only times I want to see a dude cry: when he wins a Super Bowl/Stanley Cup/World Series/NBA trophy and when he has a child. Otherwise, I want no part of it.
1.) We Don’t Care If He Finds Happiness.
Crick: I didn’t find Colton’s storyline on Becca’s season to be particularly compelling; call me a monster, but I don’t really feel a ton of sympathy for a previous NFL player who has never managed to stumble his way into a little bit of coitus. On top of that, I sure as hell didn’t care about the Dollar Store version of Ross and Rachel that Colton and Tia masqueraded as on this season of Bachelor in Paradise. And now? Now ABC expects me to get onboard for a third season of watching this ass hat trying to find someone to deflower him? Pass.
…I say that, but we all know that I’ll watch this shit. I just won’t be happy about it.
Jenna: Honestly, I don’t know if I will watch, Crick. I mean, you’re going to text me all of the good parts anyway.
But seriously, we’ve given you 9 other reasons Colton sucks, but they all lead me to this point. There are two reasons we watch this trainwreck of a series: because we either love the lead so much that we want to see them find love (see: JoJo) or we so intently abhor them that we hate watch the season in the hopes that they implode so terrifically we never have to hear from them again (see: Arie, Nick). But herein lies the true problem with Colton: no one gives a shit. In the words of Taylor Vaughn from the best movie of 1999, She’s All That, “To everyone here who matters, you’re vapor, you’re spam, a waste of perfectly good yearbook space, and nothing’s ever gonna change that.”
Not even being The Bachelor..
Image via YouTube