10 Adult Things That I Suck At

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1. Taxes

I owe taxes. OWE taxes. I thought only rich people ever OWED taxes after filing their tax return. WTF.

2. Sending an email to the correct person without typos

I will send an email to the wrong person or wrong email every day. I either get an initial notice of error, or send it to their home account that their 12-year-old is using for porn and neopets, so it never gets checked. Then, on the rare occasion that I get the email to the correct person, something is misspelled. I double check my emails, and my boss will still point out basic typos. I swear I took at least 3 semesters of English in college. They didn’t teach a damn thing about emails, and obviously didn’t teach me how to proofread either.

3. Fashion

Whether it’s ironing my pants and shirts, or something as basic as wearing socks, I can’t do it correctly. I recently found out that wearing a tucked in polo shirt makes me look ridiculous, and that 75% of my wardrobe isn’t acceptable anymore.

4. Drinking responsibly

I limit how many times I go out a week, which is to say my wallet limits how many times I go out a week. However, I can’t go out without blacking out and doing something completely irresponsible/dangerous.

5. Budgeting

I think I saved $0.50 these past two weeks. I have a great budget typed out and printed, but I don’t follow it at all. Instead, I blow the “food” money on alcohol, and my “401k” goes straight to out of season sport coats at Nordstrom Rack.

6. Reading anything

My boss has given me 4 books to read. I started two of them, and I’m on chapter 2 in one and chapter 4 in the other. That was a year ago. I can’t even read internet articles if they don’t incorporate pictures. Am I alone in this?

7. Watching the news

I know I should watch the news now that I’m an “adult,” but I can’t. I wake up early enough and put on ESPN instead of CNBC. I come home and I watch How I Met Your Mother reruns until I pass out. I didn’t know about the government shutdown until they already fixed it.

8. Working out

I tried waking up an hour early and working out. I made it two days in a row and then was hungover one morning and never went again. I tried working out after work, before dinner, and I was too hungry to finish my sets and went home and ate a full pizza. I can’t afford a personal trainer. No self discipline. However, being poor keeps me skinny. Perks of that Ethiopian diet.

9. Cooking

I burnt Mac & Cheese a few days ago. Enough said.

10. Getting laid sober

I think this occurrence is a myth, like the Yeti and Bigfoot.

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WolfofWallStreet

Working stock research sales. Trying to become the next billionaire hedge fund manager. Ex-IFC Pres of a Pac 12 school. Enjoys beaches, golf, sunshine, happy hours, and his wife.

• @Laytoncox