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What The Location Of Your Date Can Tell You About A Guy

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The place a guy chooses for a date can say a lot about how he views both the girl he asked out and his intentions for the night. Going to a dive bar on a date means something very specific, and if he drives you to an abandoned warehouse in the industrial district, you can safely assume he’s going to murder you. Here is a basic rubric so that you ladies know what you’re getting yourselves into.

1. Bar

He’s a little nervous about the date. He chose a place with a lot of ambient noise, so breaks in your conversation don’t seem awkward. Bars also mean that the consumption of alcohol won’t stick out. Obviously, a guy should avoid getting tanked or challenging his date to a shot race, but there’s nothing wrong with wanting to go to a place where he can drink a little of the adult version of Michael’s Secret Stuff to get his courage up a bit. Plus, girls, if you’re being honest, don’t you also want to be in a place where you can start putting down some vodka tonics once you see the date start to go south? If the date is going to end up being time wasted, at least he’ll pay for you to get actually wasted.

2. Museum

He thinks you’re smart and cultured and actually wants to date you. That’s good–I’ve never taken a girl I only want to hook up with to a museum. In the same vein, he also feels like he needs to prove that he’s smart and cultured, too. This can be a toss up. Either you’ll have a good time enjoying the art you both appreciate and laughing about the stuff you think is stupid, or he’ll spend the entire time talking out of his ass and just generally being insufferable. It’s on you to set the tone here. If you start talking immediately about how social anarchism influenced the neo-impressionist movement, he has nowhere to go except straight to Doucheville. If you drop that on me, I’m either going to make up a bunch of nonsense or take a bathroom break to bone up on Wikipedia. So keep it light.

3. A Sporting Event

This is tricky. I’m either really excited about the prospect of this date because I’ve identified you as a girl who’s into sports–which is a big turn on–or I have no faith in where this coupling is going, and I’m taking you to a Dodgers game only because it’s interleague play and the Rangers are in town. There’s not a lot for you as a girl to do in this situation. If you like sports, then enjoy the game. If you wonder how many more innings are left until the basketball game ends, then I’ve probably given up on you already.

4. Outdoors

If I invite you to go hiking on a date, please dump me and then drop me off at the hospital, because I’m either trying way too hard or my appendix has ruptured and is causing delirium. I don’t know why anyone goes hiking for dates. I’m not THAT out of shape, but I’d still rather carry on a conversation without having to catch my breath and constantly worry because I left the sunscreen in the car. So let’s just say instead that I invited you to join me at the park. Is it cheesy? Absolutely, so I probably think you’re into cheesy stuff. If you are, that’s fine, let’s enjoy our time tossing bread at ducks and dodging homeless people sleeping on the benches. But if you don’t like lackadaisical walks in the park, just let me know. Not like an asshole or anything–just make a joke about how a couple going to the park is a little Nicholas Sparks-y. I’ll get the message, and I can assure you that I will definitely try to overcompensate on date number two by taking you to see my buddy’s surf rock band play at a hole in the wall bar that only serves Pabst and whiskey.

5. Dinner At His Place

I’m trying to impress you with my cooking skills, and I think there’s a good chance we’re going to sleep together. Worst case scenario for me is that my advances get rejected hard, and I have to wallow in the misery of having leftover shrimp scampi. Oh wait, I love shrimp scampi. I think I’ll be okay.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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