Applying for jobs is the worst. No matter what job you’re applying for, it’s always the same story. No one will hire you until you have experience, but you can’t get experience until someone hires you. What’s that all about? I’m waiting for the day someone will post a job that says: “Wanted: Little Desperate Blonde Girl for Job With Minimal Experience,” though I’m sure that already exists on a bulletin board in a Gentleman’s Club somewhere. Despite all of that, we twenty-somethings have no choice but to continue to apply for jobs that we are uninterested in and definitely under-qualified for. We are really just lowering our standards for people we don’t know or care about, and are practically begging for a job we’re not even sure we’ll be good at.
Listen, I’m no business woman, but the idea of a cover letter is just stupid in general. Why would you want me to summarize my relevant work experience in just a paragraph? Isn’t that exactly what a resume is only in a different format? Resumes are in bullet-points that are so much easier to navigate. Has Buzzfeed taught you nothing? Lists are the future! Let me be the future! Writing a cover letter is redundant and a waste of my time.
Well, I wrote one anyway. But this time, I cut out the bullshit. Here is a cover letter I would prefer to send to any and all future employers.
Person I Don’t Know
I Wrote the Incorrect Department, Probably
Company You Already Know You Work For
1234 I Am Not Mailing This What’s The Point Drive
City, State 5318008
Dear Person I Don’t Know,
The internet told me that your company is looking for a person to fill a Job I Don’t Care About, and I think I’m just what you’re not looking for.
My previous background at various irrelevant companies have done nothing to prepare me for the available Job I Don’t Care About. While at Irrelevant Company, I held three separate jobs, all of which you have probably never heard of. As a Desk Jockey, I spun around in my spinny chair, answered phones in different accents, and lived solely off of what was being stocked in the Irrelevant Company kitchen. As a Mediocre Assistant, I pretended to write things down, managed to discover the perfect computer volume so no one would know I was watching Netflix, and learned how to successfully procrastinate Adobe Updates. Finally, as an Underpaid Employee, I handled all complaints from incompetent higher-ups, dealt with the mandatory passive aggressive emails involved, and coordinated with friends for happy hour plans via Gchat.
In addition, I temporarily held a managerial position while my boss was away on vacation. This included coming into work late every day, practicing my signature on various sheets of parchment, and changing my boss’s desktop background to inappropriate images. Also, I still have no idea how to work Microsoft Office.
All of these positions taught me the importance of ass-kissing and fake smiling throughout the workday. They also taught me how to appear extremely calm when in reality I’m imagining punching everyone within a three-foot radius. I am fluent in all social media platforms, most notably Twitter, where I post occasional vulgar sentences depicting either how hungry I am or how hungover I am. My contacts include, but are not limited to; My Family, My College Professor Who Doesn’t Remember Me, A Family Friend Who Can’t Believe How Much I’ve Grown Up, Some Guy I Met On Tinder, The Homeless Man Who Lives On My Block, and Don Johnson.
I am confident that I probably cannot provide the skills to become the quality Job-Doer you are seeking. In any case, here’s my phone number — (123) 456-7890 — and my email address — email@example.com — that you definitely won’t use to contact me back. I guess this is where I thank you even though you stopped reading after the first paragraph, and I look forward to harassing you consistently via email throughout the next few weeks because I need a fucking job, desperately.
Dannah Motherfucker Jones
Currently Unemployed, LLC
Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll bring some aggression to Job Postings and Interview Questions. But not now, people. I have shit to do. .
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