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Venmo Is Nothing More Than A Place To Pay For Booze And Illicit Drugs

I remember a time not too long ago when Venmo did not exist. Paying people back for anything – whether it was food, a few beers, or drugs – was a royal pain in the ass. “I’ll get you back tomorrow there aren’t any ATMs around here” was a phrase that got tossed around a lot.

“Let me just buy you a couple rounds at the bar.”

“I get paid next Friday just give me a week.”

The long and short of it was that friendships were being strained because Friend A wanted an eighth of kush for the weekend but didn’t have any cash on him. Friend B happened to be there with cash and fronted Friend A for the cost of the eighth. Friend A and Friend B go back to an apartment to smoke aforementioned kush, and Friend B doesn’t get paid back for the eighth because he’s too polite to ask for the money he’s owed.

That was then, though. It’s 2017 now, baby. And while I myself believe that Chase Quickpay is the only way to virtually send money, I realize that not everyone has a Chase account. “Just Venmo, me. I’ll pick the tab up.”

Venmo turned paying your friends back into a social activity. You can try and be discreet by making the payment description an emoji of a snowflake, but we all know what that is for.

Ten months ago, I Venmo’d a girl forty dollars for Plan B with the description “kale salad *salad emoji*.” Pretty reasonable, right? I didn’t want to pay a girl forty bucks and have the description read “baby killer” or simply “Plan B.”

Guess what happened? She got mad at me because when she transferred the forty dollars into her account she couldn’t remember what it was for.

Text message (from memory) from 2016 regarding Plan B pill:

Her: “Why didn’t you just make it a private payment and put plan b on it?”
Me: “I didn’t know that was an option, sorry.”
Her: “Lose my number.”

And that’s just me. I’m sure there are much worse horror stories than mine regarding Plan B payments on Venmo. What I’m trying to say is that Venmo is nothing more than Twitter for transactions involving cocaine, weed, booze, food, and prophylactics. Sure, you’ll see people paying for things like “rent” and “utilities + heat for this month” but we all know those people are either 1) huge losers or 2) people trying to cover up their drug habit. You’ll never convince me that people are paying bills on Venmo. I still use paper checks for utilities and rent. Can’t trust online payment unless of course it’s through Chase QuickPay.

Allison L. payed Margaret H. for “water and electric” three times this month? Really Allison? You sure that wasn’t so you could get in on the “medical” weed your roommate keeps buying from that guy who she sleeps with occasionally? You’re not fooling anyone, Allison. And maybe Margaret should consider buying her weed in bulk so you don’t have to keep sending her payments for ten dollars everytime you want to smoke some dope.

Remember when Snapchat had the feature which would tell you who each person’s “top three” friends were? That was how we all made rash judgements about who was having sex with who at the moment. It sucked when Snapchat eliminated that feature, but Venmo picked up right where they left off. Jared and Alexandria aren’t paying each other for stuff like “*wine emoji* x3” and “bottles at club paris *kissy face emoji*” two or three times a week because they’re friends. They’re fucking, and everyone can see it on their feed.

It’s not that I hate that people are using fake descriptions to try and cover up their crippling addictions. It’s amusing to get on Venmo and just scroll through to see what kind of drugs people are buying.

Mike H. payed Sam C. for “*nose emoji* *eight-ball emoji*”

Samantha D. payed Erica S. for “party supplies *winky face emoji*”

Like, come on, you guys. Either start sending people Venmo payments for what you’re actually buying i.e. “gram of weed,” “adderall for the night,” and “half-gallon of grey goose.” Or, at least, get way more creative with your descriptions. Enough with this facade. No one on Venmo is paying for anything other than drugs, alcohol, or maybe bar food and you won’t convince me of anything different.

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Johnny D

fashion icon. @dudaronomy on twitter. e-mail: jduda10@gmail.com

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