Remember the days when we used to sit around the table and trade stories about the worst class we ever took or the worst thing we did when we were blackout drunk? As we age, it seems that there are some additions to those “the worst [fill in the blank]” conversations, such as the worst interview I ever had, the worst thing my boss ever made me do, and of course, the worst wedding I’ve ever been to.
But if you didn’t attend this wedding, you did not attend the worst wedding ever. Jessica Sepel, an Australian nutritionist and author who published a book called The Healthy Life, and her fiancé Dean Feingold were married a few weeks ago in Thailand. Never mind that they dragged their guests to a foreign country – I’ve heard Thailand can be pretty cool. But once you hear the details, you’ll join me in deciding that these people are the worst couple alive.
Instead of the boozy, crap-eating, trying-to-sleep-with-the-groom’s-hot-sibling vacation that destination weddings should be, the soon-to-be Feingolds decide to instead treat their 170 guests to a four-day “wellness retreat,” which included breakfasts of “sugar-free bliss balls and banana-date-walnut muffins” (recipes from her book, obvi); lunches with a raw vegan menu including tofu “fish” cakes, rice paper rolls, fresh fruit and natural teas; and beachside yoga classes, where the guests were given “fresh coconuts to hydrate.” So in other words – they took them to hell.
In case that already doesn’t make you want to kill these two, the wedding itself had no wedding cake and instead, an assortment of healthy foods was served: Thai green papaya salad, roasted Brussels sprouts, grilled local white snow fish, fresh fruit, and a vitamin juice station. At the very least, the couple did not commit the ultimate crime of going booze-free…kind of. There was wine, but even that was “healthy,” according to the bride: “I don’t usually drink, but I did enjoy a glass or two of certified organic Australian Chardonnay from Organic One. There are no chemicals used in the manufacturing process which means your body is better able to break down all the alcohol and you’re not left with a hangover.” With that plug, it sounds like a certain wine company sponsored the wedding. (Shoutout to the folks at Absolut if you’re reading this – once I get a ring on my finger, I’ll be in touch.)
Sepel went onto to say, “We wanted a healthy wedding because both Dean and I are committed to a healthy lifestyle…it was important that our wedding reflected this aspect of our lives. We also wanted everyone to feel great – something that is easy to do if you’re eating the right foods.”
You know what makes me feel great, Jessica? A piece of freaking cake, a steak, and at least four vodka tonics, you self-righteous snot. 50 bucks says your guests cursed you behind your back, hid beer in their rooms and chowed down on McD’s at the airport on their way home. .
[via New York Magazine]
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