Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Sex

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Things I've Gotten Worse At: Sex

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Fantasy Football.


19-year-old John: I approach women with the sole intention of sleeping with them. Barely listen to a word they say.
28-year-old JR: Most of the women I meet are in relationships or married. Barely listen to a word they say.

John: I brag to all my buddies about any type of action I get. HJ, BJ, whatever.
JR: Do people still give handjobs?

John: This chick seems pretty into me. Better play it cool and not act too interested.
JR: “What?” The music in here is so damn loud.

John: We’ve both been drinking heavily. Let’s go back to my place and see if I can close the deal.
JR: I think I’m going to fucking puke. Who decided to popularize tiki bars?

John: Manscaping regularly is key. You never know when you’re going to get some.
JR: I’ve been using the same filthy electric razor on myself for five years. I probably have folliculitis.

John: “Let’s move this out to the living room…”
JR: “Can we take a quick time out?” I need to stretch out my bad hip.

John: This feels so good, I feel like I’m about to explode!
JR: My fucking heart feels like it’s going to explode.

John: Sex for me is like running a marathon.
JR: Sex for me is like competing in the Special Olympics.

John: “Here let me grab you a towel and we can hop into the shower together.”
JR: walks over to couch and flips on Sportscenter

John: “Yeah, I’ll call you.” I’m not gonna call.
JR: “You want to stay over for breakfast?” I’ll probably have a 9-month relationship with this girl that will end poorly.

In A Relationship

John: We haven’t done it in forty-eight hours. I’m losing my goddamn mind.
JR: Hey, I don’t remember the last time we did it. We probably should this weekend.

John: First thing we have to do after we check in is have hotel sex.
JR: First thing we have to do after we check in is get room service.

John: “Don’t worry babe I made sure to bring condoms.”
JR: “Did you take your pill today?” Eh, either way let’s risk it.

John: An extended amount of foreplay is key. Really get her warmed up before doing the deed.
JR: “Can I just shove it in?” I have a canker sore and she hasn’t showered.

John: Ooh we should go to a sex shop and buy some outfits…
JR: “Can I keep my slippers on?” This floor is freezing.

John: I’m going to half-jokingly bring up the idea of a threesome with her and her friend in hopes that she agrees.
JR: The dog licked my leg during. Does that count?

John: We should incorporate some desserts into our sex.
JR: We should have dessert instead of sex.

John: “Would you ever want to try some butt stuff or…?”
JR: Ehh no thanks. What’s the appeal again?

John: I don’t mind doing all the work. I’m just happy to be in the game, Coach.
JR: Hope she’s in the mood to do all the work tonight.

John: “I swear this never happens to me!” Must have been all the booze.
JR: “Great, it fucking happened again. Narcos?”

Image via Shutterstock

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