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Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Sex

Things I've Gotten Worse At: Sex

Read last week’s Things I’ve Gotten Worse At: Fantasy Football.


Single

19-year-old John: I approach women with the sole intention of sleeping with them. Barely listen to a word they say.
28-year-old JR: Most of the women I meet are in relationships or married. Barely listen to a word they say.

John: I brag to all my buddies about any type of action I get. HJ, BJ, whatever.
JR: Do people still give handjobs?

John: This chick seems pretty into me. Better play it cool and not act too interested.
JR: “What?” The music in here is so damn loud.

John: We’ve both been drinking heavily. Let’s go back to my place and see if I can close the deal.
JR: I think I’m going to fucking puke. Who decided to popularize tiki bars?

John: Manscaping regularly is key. You never know when you’re going to get some.
JR: I’ve been using the same filthy electric razor on myself for five years. I probably have folliculitis.

John: “Let’s move this out to the living room…”
JR: “Can we take a quick time out?” I need to stretch out my bad hip.

John: This feels so good, I feel like I’m about to explode!
JR: My fucking heart feels like it’s going to explode.

John: Sex for me is like running a marathon.
JR: Sex for me is like competing in the Special Olympics.

John: “Here let me grab you a towel and we can hop into the shower together.”
JR: walks over to couch and flips on Sportscenter

John: “Yeah, I’ll call you.” I’m not gonna call.
JR: “You want to stay over for breakfast?” I’ll probably have a 9-month relationship with this girl that will end poorly.


In A Relationship

John: We haven’t done it in forty-eight hours. I’m losing my goddamn mind.
JR: Hey, I don’t remember the last time we did it. We probably should this weekend.

John: First thing we have to do after we check in is have hotel sex.
JR: First thing we have to do after we check in is get room service.

John: “Don’t worry babe I made sure to bring condoms.”
JR: “Did you take your pill today?” Eh, either way let’s risk it.

John: An extended amount of foreplay is key. Really get her warmed up before doing the deed.
JR: “Can I just shove it in?” I have a canker sore and she hasn’t showered.

John: Ooh we should go to a sex shop and buy some outfits…
JR: “Can I keep my slippers on?” This floor is freezing.

John: I’m going to half-jokingly bring up the idea of a threesome with her and her friend in hopes that she agrees.
JR: The dog licked my leg during. Does that count?

John: We should incorporate some desserts into our sex.
JR: We should have dessert instead of sex.

John: “Would you ever want to try some butt stuff or…?”
JR: Ehh no thanks. What’s the appeal again?

John: I don’t mind doing all the work. I’m just happy to be in the game, Coach.
JR: Hope she’s in the mood to do all the work tonight.

John: “I swear this never happens to me!” Must have been all the booze.
JR: “Great, it fucking happened again. Narcos?”

Image via Shutterstock

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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