It’s a cold, cold world out there when it comes to finding love. The reason that dating websites and apps became a thing in the first place is because it was too hard to find a soulmate the old-fashioned way, which I think was basically when the guy had to ask your parents for permission to date you when you’d already been sleeping together for six months. Ah, the good old days.
Now, we have Tinder. And Bumble. And Grindr. Or Plenty of Fish, or eHarmony, if you hate yourself. One of the best things about using these apps is that there are so many disappointing people like yourself to choose from within the dark depths of swipes. You aren’t the only one swiping right on any guy who doesn’t look like a serial killer — you aren’t going through the terrifying process of actually meeting a Bumble match at the bar alone. There are plenty of others like you who also needed a dating app to find love, and that’s comforting, right? Every single person on Tinder is swiping together in harmony, same as you. It’s a dating equalizer, a way to level out the playing field for anyone who’s willing to get in the game.
Except it isn’t.
There’s a whole secret version of Tinder out there, and I can pretty much guarantee that you haven’t been invited to use it. That stings, doesn’t it? It should.
There are conjectures about how they choose people to be invited to Tinder Select, which is the exclusive version of the app developers have been selectively inviting users to for the past six months. The idea is that they calculate how many times people swipe right on your profile and other nonsense, but we know the truth. None of us are attractive enough to get on Tinder Select. Yeah, I said it. Tinder Select is only for beautiful people, and the rest of us just battle it out down here in the dating version of the Hunger Games while the Chosen Ones watch from the Capitol.
The worst part of this whole thing is that it’s Tinder. Tinder doesn’t think you’re good enough. The nastiest, dirtiest dating app there is had to make a nicer version of itself because we were dragging it down into the depths of ratchet hell.
Other apps brand themselves as exclusive, like Raya, which is for legit famous people, or The League, which you have to have a trust fund and a daddy complex to get into. That’s fine. Those apps are what they are, they began that way, and we all know no one normal is going to get into those anyway. But Tinder? That’s like the biggest slap in the face to anyone with an account. “Uh, yeah, you’re for sure good enough for regular Tinder. Just not for Hot Tinder,” which is the name I’m using in lieu of the one they chose, because it’s more fucking real.
Look, Tinder, don’t try and be something you’re not. You’re like Julia Roberts in “Pretty Woman” trying to look like you know how to use the salad fork when we all know you got picked up for the night on Hollywood Boulevard. You’re the darkest, sluttiest dating app out there, and you should be owning that label and working with it in a way that doesn’t make normal people feel like shit. Just because you invite the beautiful people to Tinder Select doesn’t make you classy. I see you, Tinder. I fucking see you. .