I’ve resigned myself to the fact that there are just several aspects about my generation’s daily lives that the older generations simply will never understand. Your boss may never understand Snapchat. Your mom probably can’t comprehend how it takes you more than “just a few drinks” to feel any semblance of a buzz. Your uncle will never understand why you’d rather painstakingly order late night Chinese food through an app than just pick up the phone. Well, I got news for the generation Xers and the Baby Boomers. There are some things I’ll never understand about their generations and absolutely at the top of the list is their locker room etiquette.
If you’re over the age of, oh I don’t know, maybe 40, there’s a very strong chance your locker room etiquette is really fucked up. It is so nuts on levels that would make Kanye cringe.
Maybe things run differently in a women’s locker room – I wouldn’t know because they closed up the peephole pretty quickly – but every men’s locker room I’ve been in since college is like tale of two cities, Hatfield and McCoys kind of divided. In fair Verona where we lay our scene, but the two households (generations) are not alike in dignity. I guess I would say there are two huge infractions the older generations commit on a consistent basis, and the ultimate form of locker room treason is when these two infractions cross paths. Let’s digest.
Psycho behavior numbah one: the older generation loves to talk in the locker room. LOVES the locker room chit chat; gabbing it up like they’re on The View. And it’s freakin’ weird. I’ve observed this behavior extensively like I was Jane fucking Goodall, and my initial findings illustrated that this behavior was only reserved to the older guys in the locker room who knew each other. Boy was I wrong. I was recently in the locker room and all of a sudden some AARP bro comes over to me and starts engaging me in conversation. Like, what about me was giving off the “up for a chat” vibe? I was in the middle of taking off my work clothes and putting on my gym clothes. Nothing about that is saying “come say hi.” Absolutely nothing.
Time is precious in this world we live in. Attention is at a premium. If I’m going to click your link, it better have a damn good headline, and if I’m going to talk to a complete stranger it better be a Mount Saint Helens lava hot level female. And I’m not going to find that in the Boston Sports Clubs men’s locker room with my pants around my ankles. Just leave me alone. But the stranger talk is so minor compared to the biggest looney tune behavior I see from the older generations.
Old dudes love nudity. They have absolute zero modesty. Negative 273 Celsius modesty. And I don’t know if it’s one of these natural selection type situations, but old people just have small dicks. That’s #factsonly. Me, the guy with the normal sized schmeckle, should be the one who doesn’t mind whipping it out in front of a room full of wrinkly, sweating, Orville Redenbachers. But somehow it’s the opposite. These guys I guess are too old to care about their tic tac dicks, and that’s great. But when their thimble penises get in my line of sight, my mind starts to race like John Nash. “Will my dick shrink to that size? Is that what getting old is like? How many years left with a cock right in the middle of the bell curve do I have?” It’s locker room mental dick terrorism and it just has to stop. There’s no reason why these guys can’t just throw a towel around their waist when they’re moving about the room.
And when the generational gap reaches the pinnacle of its differences – we’re talking a Mariana Trench-level gap – it is when an old naked ass comes over to you to strike up a chit chat when you have briefly taken out your headphones so you can change into your gym clothes. It’s a scenario that keeps me up at night with cold sweats and I hope to God our generation, as we age, phases out this abhorrent locker room behavior. It’s on us, guys. Our generation was given great locker room power. Now, it’s our responsibility not to turn into those crazy old freaks that make me want to just change my clothes in my car..