The Inner Monologue Of A Recently Unemployed Guy

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The Inner Monologue Of A Recently Unemployed Guy

Some of us have been there, and some have been lucky enough to not be: the dreaded state of unemployment. If you’ve ever genuinely referred to it as “funemployment,” this may not be the column for you. Funemployment is for people who have enough money to not worry that they’re unemployed. I’ve rejoined the unfortunate masses of those who have no jobs, and here’s pretty much what my day has been looking like:

6:30 a.m.Wife is up, and I’m trying to maintain some semblance of a schedule so I don’t feel like shit, so I guess I should get out of bed too.

6:50 a.m.Okay, I’ll actually get up now, because the dog is going to lick my face until I go play ball with him.

7:00 a.m.We’re done with ball already? Shit, I was hoping to pass a lot more time with that.

7:05 a.m.Cereal is somehow a much more depressing breakfast when I’m not just eating it because it’s quick and I have to get to work.

7:10 a.m.Better settle in on the couch, cause I’ll be here for a long while.

7:30 a.m.Wife just left for work, gonna turn something on Netflix for background noise while I apply for jobs.

8:10 a.m.I told myself I was done with Orange Is The New Black after last season, but I guess now that I have all this time…

9:10 a.m.Ugh, Piper is such a bitch. You know, I’ll shower before I start applying for jobs. So I don’t have to interrupt my flow.

9:11 a.m. – *looks in the mirror* You are a sad piece of shit, you know that? Get a fucking job, you worthless lump of a man.

9:20 a.m. – *actually gets in the shower to wash off the self loathing*

9:30 a.m.Alright, let’s hit these job applications.

11:00 a.m.Not a chance in hell I’ll get any of these, but at least I can pretend I did something productive today.

12:00 p.m.How the fuck did I ever get a job in the first place? I’m not qualified for anything on any of these seven job boards I’ve been looking at. I should stay away from mirrors for a bit, turns out that’s not good for my self-esteem.

12:30 p.m.Leftovers for lunch to save money. I miss Chipotle already. I wonder if anyone wants to buy me a burrito?

1:00 p.m. – Text from wife: “How is your day going”‘ If you really loved me you would know not to ask that.

2:00 p.m.Okay, I think I’ve applied to every job in this city. I should go to the gym since I’m not doing anything productive now. *looks at PlayStation*

5:00 p.m.I should at least make dinner so the wife thinks I haven’t been totally useless today.

10:00 p.m.Tomorrow, I’m at least going to leave the house. I know I said that last night, but I mean it this time.

Image via Shutterstock

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