Last night started out as any normal Tuesday. I ate leftover food that I ordered at 4 a.m. on Saturday and was hoping to just sit at home and watch some college basketball and MLS playoffs. But then that inevitable text for Tuesday night trivia at the local watering hole came in. After a successful third place finish and an impending midweek blackout I sent out the classic “you up?” text to about seven different girls just hoping for a response.
While there were some good candidates out there the one that popped out the most to me was from my neighbor. I knew that it was a mistake and that I shouldn’t do it but I sent back, “Stay up, I’ll be home in 10.” After some brief flirting and watching Heavyweights on Netflix, I made my move. We were up until about 4:30 a.m. and I was fashionably two hours late for work this morning with the impending doom of what happens next. With some girls you hook up with, you can just brush them off. But it’s not that easy when it is your neighbor. There are really only three options for what to do after you put yourself in this situation.
1. Move Out
The first text I sent out to the group text this morning went along the lines of, “Who wants to sublease my apartment?” Of course, you’re going to get the question of why. You can’t just tell the boys right away because every time they see your neighbor now they are going to think that she wants to bang them. When I sent out that text, I definitely wasn’t planning on hooking up with her, but as we know, shooters shoot. So the only reasonable choice I have is to move out of my complex, the state, and the country, and live life as a vagrant panhandling my way through South America.
2. Act Like It Never Happened
When she texts you that she had a good time last night, either a) completely ghost her or b) feign ignorance. This is the option that is most likely going to piss her off leading to multiple noise complaints when you and your boys are pregaming on a Saturday night. Your best best in this scenario is to act like you don’t remember anything and apologize if you were out of line. She’s either going to go along and say it was a fun night or she’s going to call out your bluff and give you a play-by-play of all the cheesy pickup lines you used.
3. Embrace It
The truth is, you may have found a diamond in the rough in neighborhood situations. Best case scenario? You guys embrace that you are young, horned up millennials and you become a friends with benefits situation. Worst case is that she wants to become a couple and you know you are in no emotional state to live up to her high standards. Maybe you continue hooking up once or twice a month until she realized how big of a scumbag you are and then kicks your ass to the curb. This is probably the best option to take just because there are more rewards then negatives that can come out of it.
When going out this weekend, maybe send out that text to that sexy neighbor in 3B. As for me, I’ll be posting an ad on Craiglist for an overpriced studio apartment in the city, asking my neighbor what happened last night, and most likely sending her a text at 3 a.m. saying “You up?” again.
In the words of Michael Gary Scott, “You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take.” Happy hunting. .
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