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Questions I Have After Watching The Bachelorette For The First Time

Questions I Have After Watching The Bachelorette For The First Time

For this episode and every episode of The Bachelor franchise, Touching Base breaks down everything that happened the night before. Subscribe on iTunes and SoundCloud, and listen to their recap of the premiere episode.

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Since it’s 2017 and the majority of television is online right now, I haven’t had cable for the last year or so. It’s one less bill that I have to pay, I have Netflix and HBOGo, and most importantly, I have friends that have cable. That way, if there’s ever anything I wanted to watch live, I would just convince them to have a watch party.

Well, when we moved into our new apartment this month, my roommate and I set up an antenna for our TV. Yeah, you read that right. We use an antenna so that we can pick up extremely basic cable. It’s not much, but it’s something.

Why is this important? Because last night, I decided to watch The Bachelorette for the first time ever. I went in completely blind. Sure, I had read one of the Dude’s Breakdowns, but that never actually explains how the show works and how it flows. As a new viewer, frankly, I felt confused and lost throughout the premiere. I had a lot of questions throughout, but there are several that really stood out to me. Any additional insight would be greatly appreciated.

How is it possible for me to hate so many men all at the same time?

I’ll preface this by saying that there are some really impressive dudes on the show. Despite the fact that they’ve all been pining for Rachel since the last season of The Bachelor (which is weird to me because literally none of them have had any interaction with this woman before last night), there are some clearly amazing guys on the show. Impressive careers, great charisma, good looks, the whole shebang.

But those dudes are few and far between. I can understand acting like an idiot when you’re in love with someone, lord knows I’ve done it. But, like, you have to admit it’s kind of absurd to come right out of the gates and tell this girl you’re probably going to marry her—especially when there are 30 other dudes thinking the same thing.

Why are these men bringing horrifying props to impress this goddess?

There were a number of different words used to describe Rachel last night, but they all basically boiled down to her being an intelligent, ambitious, and gorgeous person. I would say that this has been a trend since the show started since 2003, but I wouldn’t know. All I can do is hope.

Either way, if you knew that you were on your way to meet someone intelligent, ambitious, and gorgeous, you would want to make a great first impression, right? Be confident. Be charismatic. Be clever. Wordplay is great and all, but I sincerely need someone to explain to me why there was an entire marching band, a penguin suit, a megaphone, and a dude who dressed like Steve Urkel when he got out of the limo. They lost me there.

Do these guys know what they signed up for?

On more than one occasion, one of the guys said something to the effect of, “Well shit, this is just a sausage fest now.” Yeah, dude! That’s literally what you signed on board for! You and 30 other guys are trying to marry the same woman and get paranoid about whether or not you’re there for the right reasons in the process. Or something. I’m still not really sure if there are any underlying themes I’m missing.

Are they supposed to all be having one on one time outside? I thought it was a party?

Okay, so this is more specific to the episode. All the guys get introduced, they all come into this big ass living room/lounge area, and then booze starts flowing. I was under the impression that this was supposed to be some kind of a cocktail party. Rachel mixes and mingles with the dudes and they all humblebrag about their law firms or pronounce “quinoa” correctly or some shit.

Instead, she just posted up on a couch outside and guys came up to her one on one, for what seemed to be the entire night! And more than that, some of these guys are giving her their whole life story! The host brought out a “First Impression Rose” at one point (which I’m still not really sure what it is, they didn’t really go into it), and I thought, “You know, I wouldn’t want my first impression on someone to be me telling them the Cliff’s Notes version of how I became the person I am today. So which one is it? Party, or one on one time?

Why am I so excited for next week’s episode?

I took a lot of issue with the show, and every time I’ve heard it described, I thought it was the most ridiculous concept for television that anyone could have come up with. But with that in mind, I’ve never hate-watched a TV show before. If The Bachelorette continues down this road, I have the feeling that this is going to be the start of a beautifully frustrating, tension relieving, voice raising relationship.

Image via YouTube / ABC

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Charlie

Using sarcasm as a defense mechanism since 1993. At any given moment I'm either tired, drunk, or stressed out. Get at me at charliepgp@gmail.com or whatever.

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