Marriage. Much like buying a puppy, there’s never a perfect time for it to happen. But eventually, you’ve gotta make it legit before the babymakers go down south and your parents don’t get the honor of having grandchildren.
Sure, some people are out there trying to find “the one” but others are just putting in time before kissing their single life (and single bank account) goodbye. Luckily, The New York Times came up with the 13 questions you’re supposed to discuss with your significant other before walking down the aisle and ending bachelorhood forever. Naturally, I had to answer them for myself to take the temperature of where I’m at.
1. Did your family throw plates, calmly discuss issues or silently shut down when disagreements arose?
When I was a little kid, my parents grounded me from going to my favorite trading card store because they were tired of driving the fifteen minutes to go there. So yeah, you could say that I was brought up in a selfish household where disagreements all ended with fairly self-serving resolutions.
2. Will we have children, and if we do, will you change diapers?
Alright, if you don’t think there’s going to be a WFDIII then you’re out of your goddamn mind. These Detroit Lions aren’t going to win a Super Bowl without him, so it’s my duty as a Michigander to put that boy on the field and let him march us to victory.
But nevermind that. Diapers? Nah. Remember when I said I wanted to be a stay-at-home dad? Yeah, I meant to include that my gig would only begin after the kids stop shitting themselves and begin going to school for at least six hours a day. I don’t fuck with farts and I don’t fuck with poop, and that goes for babies, friends, and women alike.
3. Will our experiences with our exes help or hinder us?
As long as you don’t dump me next to a pool while I’m eating Chipotle, you’re already ahead of the game when it comes to ex-girlfriends. My biggest fear in life is people hating me, so I strive to maintain a cordial relationship with all parties involved. Sure, their moms hate seeing me attend their weddings because I’m clearly the one who got away, but what am I supposed to do? Say no to an open bar? Not my style, never will be.
4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if at all?
How will we celebrate religious holidays? Uh, like I celebrate every other type of holiday. Mimos in the morning, bloodies at lunch, scotch for dinner. It’s a pretty tried and true, foolproof formula if you ask me.
5. Is my debt your debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
If you’re a bird, I’m a bird, baby. Chances are my debt will be higher because I’ve got champagne taste on a beer budget, so hope you’ve got your shit in order. I mean, sure, if I fall ass backwards into a pile of money, I’ll bail you out. But I need to work on that whole “ass backwards into a pile of money” part first if we’re going to even begin that conversation.
6. What’s the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a couch, shoes?
I mean, that depends on how much we’ve got in the bank. If money isn’t an option, neither is the price of that Chris Craft I want chilling at the end of my dock. When it comes to a couch, I’m a goose down guy so I’m obviously swinging for the fences with a nice triple-stitched Irish linen slipcover. And shoes? I’m not sure what my answer is for that, but I assume it falls somewhere around however much Scott Disick’s velvet slippers cost.
7. Can you deal with my doing things without you?
“Oh, sure, babe. Of course you can do brunch with the girls. I promise I’m not mad. I guess I’ll just go to the range and hit some balls or something. Or maybe play a full 18. Or maybe take a golf trip with the guys for a long weekend. Whatever you do, just don’t mind me. I’ll be fine. I promise. Love you!”
8. Do we like each other’s parents?
I can get along with anyone so just know this — if you don’t like my parents, we’re done. They brought me into this world and they’ll take me out of it if I marry some Runaround Sue they don’t approve of.
9. How important is sex to you?
How important is the number of karats on that finger of yours? Exactly.
10. How far should we take flirting with other people? Is watching pornography O.K.?
Considering I get wildly uncomfortable in strip clubs, my “flirting” will go as far as me asking the cart girl where she’s going to undergrad. As for you, I better not even hear that you have a GBF because I’ll immediately assume he’s secretly straight and only buddying up with you to see your boobs in the dressing room at Nordies. Don’t test me.
11. Do you know all the ways I say “I love you”?
How can I know all the ways to say “I love you” when I don’t even know what this question means? Does this mean something about buying flowers or not pooping when you’re in the house or something? I know one way to say “I love you” and that’s by saying the words “I love you.”
12. What do you admire about me, and what are your pet peeves?
I admire that you let me go out with the guys after we have a couples dinner even though you know we’re just going to go to the bar and discuss all the shit we didn’t feel comfortable discussing at the dinner itself.
But as for pet peeves, there’s no way I’m dumb enough to publicly announce those. That’s pretty much just me asking to sleep on that expensive-ass Irish linen couch you bought me tonight while I play FIFA alone in my boxers. Actually, that sounds awesome.
13. How do you see us 10 years from now?
Somewhere between divorce court because you finally realized how shitty of a person I am after you get to know me, or early retirement because we struck gold and bought a house on either John’s Island or Martha’s Vineyard. Or both, I’m not picky. Love you, mean it. .
[Questions via New York Times]
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