I woke up feeling off today, just like I had every day for the last week and a half. I’m becoming surprisingly used to it, and I don’t consider that a good thing. Maybe it’s this gnarly cold I can feel coming in, maybe it’s the fact that I’m feeling oddly homesick for some reason, but once you start becoming okay with not feeling yourself anymore, you turn down a dark path.
Needless to say, this was an over-arching theme in what held me back this week. I saw it take an effect on my work, show up in my personal life, and start to screw with my mindset. For example…
I haven’t been sleeping regularly.
Over the weekend, I got a combined 6 hours of sleep. I’m already getting out of work at midnight, so when I get home, I try to go to bed as soon as possible — and I do. The problem is, I just can’t sleep. Half the time, I don’t know what my mind is even racing about; I just curl up into a ball and hope I can catch some zzz’s before the sun comes up.
I’m easily irritated at work, more than normal. I’m less attentive. I’m starting to care less, and it’s freaking me out. I think the sleep might be the root cause, but there might be more to it than that.
I spent way too much money.
When I first started to notice that I was feeling differently, I decided that I would treat myself a little bit. All my friends had other plans this weekend, so I decided to do some things I hadn’t had a chance to do for a while.
I made my way to a record store and picked up Born in the USA by Bruce Springsteen and Oracular Spectacular by MGMT. I bought a single ticket to see Logan in theaters and balled out on popcorn and wine (more on this later). I ordered UberEATS for every meal, except for brunch on Sunday. When I went to brunch, I did not hold back on the drinks. I even booked a really nice Airbnb for when I’m back in Phoenix next week for work.
Did I have to do any of those things? No, of course not. And frankly, I felt pretty great afterward. That is, until I checked my bank account, and now I feel like hot garbage sitting underneath a well-fed pigeon.
I fell asleep during Logan.
It seems like every person I tell this to feels personally victimized by me, but I don’t think they’re hearing me out. I was already buzzed from the bottle of wine I had throughout the day, and I was running on roughly three hours of sleep. It’s not that I didn’t like the movie. Frankly, I thought it was fucking awesome. So many people got their limbs cut off. It was great.
But there I was, sitting alone in a dark theater, out of popcorn and wine, and leaning on the armrest. The next thing I know, the main characters had traveled from Mexico to some farm in middle America…? I didn’t ask any questions, I just ran with it. Now I’ll have to see it again at some point, and I have absolutely no problem with that.
I got a little drunk and went to an apartment showing.
My roommate and I are looking into new apartments because our lease is up in April, but she was out of town this weekend. That left me, a glorified child, in a position to look at a stranger’s apartment while they were out of town, alone.
I wasn’t really alone, I was with the realtor and my friend Hillary, but that still sounds a lot like breaking and entering to me. If I’m going to do that, I figured it couldn’t hurt to get a solid buzz going beforehand. So I opened a new bottle of wine and had a few glasses to loosen up before heading over.
I had no idea what to ask while I was in there, so I fumbled over my words and looked around for a little bit. It didn’t look bad, but my bedroom would be the size of a closet, and that’s not something I’m into. The search continues.
The weather next week is moderate temperatures and rainy. Luckily, I’ll be in Phoenix for the majority of the week. Hopefully, some sunshine and old friends can get me back on track. .